January 31, 2008
Mood: completely and utterly miserable
I think I finally figured out why I've been feeling so down this past week...
True, stress from various stuff could have added to the equation. But I doubt that those small irritations were enough to cause me to walk around like a zombie, wanting nothing more but to just dig my own resting spot.
No.
It's dopamine, norepinephrine and low levels of serotonin. Dopamine is the chemical usually associated with states of euphoria, cravings and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens attention, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. Low levels of serotonin are often found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Hmm... this past week I have been cooking strange new recipes, cause I often found myself sitting somewhere with a strange taste in my mouth. Thankfully, all of my hare-brained recipes succeeded, so yeah. I also had trouble remembering stuff. I often forgot what I did just a few minutes prior. I've been fidgety, twitchy and just generally restless. And no matter how tired I am, I find that I have to force myself to finally sleep.
Obsessive... Can we talk about when I was NOT obsessive? I'm a stalk-- RESEARCHER. Yes, I'm a researcher. Of course it's part of my job to be obsessive.
So what am I babbling about, my dear friends? What do these three chemicals do, in layman's terms?
I think I'm falling in love.
Or perhaps I've already fallen.
I don't want to. I can't. But of course that nasty diapered dude has to show around and shoot me with his arrows. What can I do? He enjoys shooting me. I'm an easy prey.
I find that I fall in love quite easily. However, getting me to fall OUT of love is a mighty Herculean task. Maybe it's got something to do with how my kind always wear our hearts on our sleeves.
And wow. February is just around the corner.
Valentine's Day is going to be hell. But then again, it always has been hell for me.
*sigh*
Yeah, yeah. You're probably thinking, what is her problem? Why won't she just admit it to the guy? Nothing ventured, nothing gained etc and all that jazz.
I would. I siriusly would if I could. But I can't. Doing so would be akin to jumping out a 10-storey building. I will get nothing from it, except being squished to the pavement.
Oh, heartbreak my friend. You haven't visited me in so long. You're one guest that I want to welcome and yet want to murder inside my house.
Well, at least heartbreak brings my muse with it. Nepenthe, welcome.
------------
I found that that top part is WAY too emo.
So here's an amusing story.
This happened yesterday in Bio/Chem class. My teacher was giving this girl in my class a new password for her school account.
Teacher: Okay. Your new password is "secret". Just change it when you're in.
Girl: What?!
Teacher: Your new password is "secret". The word, "secret".
Girl: How am I supposed to remember that?!
Teacher: Remember what? Your new password is "secret". What's there to remember?
Girl: But how am I supposed to remember that?!
Teacher: It's "secret"! S-E-C-R-E-T! The word "secret!"
Girl: Oh, I'll never remember that!
Random guy: Dear GOD! Is it possible to be so stupid?!?!
Random guy 2: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: *busy hitting head on laptop*
Please note: That girl was COMPLETELY serious.
31 January 2008
29 January 2008
Two Classes, One Rant
January 30, 2008
Mood: soooo sleeepppyyyyyyyy.......
I am sleepy.
For serious.
(Feck, did I just use THAT title?? Damn, I'm even more sleep-deprived than I thought!)
As you all know, I had a dream.
It involved kissing, and a picture. It also involved a friend grabbing the girl by the shoulders and shaking her to near convulsions.
It didn't help that he was giving me special attention and tracking my progress in class. All the while my inner self was screaming "Don't get any closer. Back off! Don't get any-- DAMN!!"
Ah... life.
-----------
I am now in the library. Time went by... well, time went by. I don't really know what I'm trying to say, so yeah. I am supposed to write an essay about a poem, but I can't be bothered. At least not yet. I do have to finish this though...
Our library is never silent. I wonder why that is?
I wish we could eat here...
Seriously, it would be THE perfect place if we could eat here. I mean, this library was one of the main reasons that I chose this school anyways. :P
I want to write more, but I really don't think I can't write anything more that would at least resemble coherent babbling... and besides, I think I should save some creative juices for this blasted essay.
Hmm... I wish I had an extra chair to rest my legs on... Hey! The couch is gone! Where is it? What did they do to the couch? Oh, sadness...
Okay, I'll be off now... But before I go, I leave you this little insight into my mind. I wrote this yesterday.
-----
So it’s Spanish class as usual. My teacher is in another room because there’s this reading test going on and stuff. The other students who are done with it are supposed to stay in this room and do the stuff we’re supposed to do. HAHA, I love it when someone walks in the door and everyone falls silent. It’s even funnier when you consider that the majority, nay – ALL of the guys are playing DOTA, and some of them have their sounds on and are cheering loudly. However, once the door opens, everyone falls dead silent and stares at the door. It’s really funny. I wish I had a videocam with me to record this. I should probably be doing what the teacher asked us to do, but I can’t be bothered. One of the guys just shouted gleefully – “You killed him! Yeah you killed him!” This was followed with some metaphorical backslapping and some more gleeful “I stabbed him! Yeah!” Under normal circumstances I should be scared. But hey, whatever. Hang on, I think it was WoW… I could never tell the difference. I’m not really that well-versed in the world of gaming. The closest I ever got to being a gamer was when I started (read: attempted) to play Ragnarok. I did get to level 2 Archer and level 2 Thief… all by chance. xD Ah well… Now they started cussing the guy who keeps on going out and coming back in. They shouldn’t berate him. It’s really amusing to see all their reactions. Aewfajwehfaejwf… I seriously am sooooo SLEEPY. And our teacher is back. Our teacher is a German woman who teaches Spanish and French. Many hate her, because she dishes out “demerits” like candy. She has softened a bit though. Her eyes really scare me. I still am not sure if it’s DOTA or WoW. I’m leaning more towards the second one, but I can’t be sure. Alright, I just got confirmation from the dude sitting behind me, it was indeed World of Warcraft. Blessed be the ALT + Tab command. Mwah! Wow, one of my classmates has real BALLS of steel. He is playing WoW directly in front of the teacher’s desk. I really mean he’s sitting RIGHT IN FRONT of her. Balls, man. BALLS. I’m bored. And sleepy. I want to hibernate until winter break. I have Japanese class after the break. Dear lord, I wish that my other classmates would be there. Otherwise it’ll be very… awkward. True, I keep my poker-face on when in that class, but still. Ahh… so the dude with balls of steel utilizes the ALT + Tab command too! I got you now! Three of the hooks on one of the curtains in our room have fallen apart. It’s now hanging on only well, I suppose “only” is not a good way to describe it, seeing that it’s still tethered on 8 hooks or so. I am siriusly bored. I’d play WoW if I had the skills, but I don’t. I wonder what Herpes Man is doing right now. I just glanced around the room. The guys in class have this concentrated look plastered on their faces. It’s kinda funny. I want to sleep. I really do. Maybe the reason that I’ve been crabby these past few days is the fact that I haven’t gotten enough sleep. Perhaps. They say gamers have good reflexes. I wonder what would happen if I throw an eraser… Apparently our teacher can tell if we’re working or not by looking at our faces. Unfortunately, she immediately shot her own theory to oblivion when she said “I can tell if you’re on Facebook”. Well sadly ma’am, none of us are in Facebook. I am writing this post about your class, and the boys are playing WoW, and the girls are off playing other games. Ah well… nice try though. YES! Class is over. I guess I’d best post this and go to Bio/Chem class… But I can’t be bothered. I’ll just save this as draft first.
----------
Ciao.
[EDIT: I FINALLY got confirmed confirmation - it was DOTA All Stars.]
Mood: soooo sleeepppyyyyyyyy.......
I am sleepy.
For serious.
(Feck, did I just use THAT title?? Damn, I'm even more sleep-deprived than I thought!)
As you all know, I had a dream.
It involved kissing, and a picture. It also involved a friend grabbing the girl by the shoulders and shaking her to near convulsions.
It didn't help that he was giving me special attention and tracking my progress in class. All the while my inner self was screaming "Don't get any closer. Back off! Don't get any-- DAMN!!"
Ah... life.
-----------
I am now in the library. Time went by... well, time went by. I don't really know what I'm trying to say, so yeah. I am supposed to write an essay about a poem, but I can't be bothered. At least not yet. I do have to finish this though...
Our library is never silent. I wonder why that is?
I wish we could eat here...
Seriously, it would be THE perfect place if we could eat here. I mean, this library was one of the main reasons that I chose this school anyways. :P
I want to write more, but I really don't think I can't write anything more that would at least resemble coherent babbling... and besides, I think I should save some creative juices for this blasted essay.
Hmm... I wish I had an extra chair to rest my legs on... Hey! The couch is gone! Where is it? What did they do to the couch? Oh, sadness...
Okay, I'll be off now... But before I go, I leave you this little insight into my mind. I wrote this yesterday.
-----
So it’s Spanish class as usual. My teacher is in another room because there’s this reading test going on and stuff. The other students who are done with it are supposed to stay in this room and do the stuff we’re supposed to do. HAHA, I love it when someone walks in the door and everyone falls silent. It’s even funnier when you consider that the majority, nay – ALL of the guys are playing DOTA, and some of them have their sounds on and are cheering loudly. However, once the door opens, everyone falls dead silent and stares at the door. It’s really funny. I wish I had a videocam with me to record this. I should probably be doing what the teacher asked us to do, but I can’t be bothered. One of the guys just shouted gleefully – “You killed him! Yeah you killed him!” This was followed with some metaphorical backslapping and some more gleeful “I stabbed him! Yeah!” Under normal circumstances I should be scared. But hey, whatever. Hang on, I think it was WoW… I could never tell the difference. I’m not really that well-versed in the world of gaming. The closest I ever got to being a gamer was when I started (read: attempted) to play Ragnarok. I did get to level 2 Archer and level 2 Thief… all by chance. xD Ah well… Now they started cussing the guy who keeps on going out and coming back in. They shouldn’t berate him. It’s really amusing to see all their reactions. Aewfajwehfaejwf… I seriously am sooooo SLEEPY. And our teacher is back. Our teacher is a German woman who teaches Spanish and French. Many hate her, because she dishes out “demerits” like candy. She has softened a bit though. Her eyes really scare me. I still am not sure if it’s DOTA or WoW. I’m leaning more towards the second one, but I can’t be sure. Alright, I just got confirmation from the dude sitting behind me, it was indeed World of Warcraft. Blessed be the ALT + Tab command. Mwah! Wow, one of my classmates has real BALLS of steel. He is playing WoW directly in front of the teacher’s desk. I really mean he’s sitting RIGHT IN FRONT of her. Balls, man. BALLS. I’m bored. And sleepy. I want to hibernate until winter break. I have Japanese class after the break. Dear lord, I wish that my other classmates would be there. Otherwise it’ll be very… awkward. True, I keep my poker-face on when in that class, but still. Ahh… so the dude with balls of steel utilizes the ALT + Tab command too! I got you now! Three of the hooks on one of the curtains in our room have fallen apart. It’s now hanging on only well, I suppose “only” is not a good way to describe it, seeing that it’s still tethered on 8 hooks or so. I am siriusly bored. I’d play WoW if I had the skills, but I don’t. I wonder what Herpes Man is doing right now. I just glanced around the room. The guys in class have this concentrated look plastered on their faces. It’s kinda funny. I want to sleep. I really do. Maybe the reason that I’ve been crabby these past few days is the fact that I haven’t gotten enough sleep. Perhaps. They say gamers have good reflexes. I wonder what would happen if I throw an eraser… Apparently our teacher can tell if we’re working or not by looking at our faces. Unfortunately, she immediately shot her own theory to oblivion when she said “I can tell if you’re on Facebook”. Well sadly ma’am, none of us are in Facebook. I am writing this post about your class, and the boys are playing WoW, and the girls are off playing other games. Ah well… nice try though. YES! Class is over. I guess I’d best post this and go to Bio/Chem class… But I can’t be bothered. I’ll just save this as draft first.
----------
Ciao.
[EDIT: I FINALLY got confirmed confirmation - it was DOTA All Stars.]
Mystery of Vanity
January 29, 2008
Mood: *a bit bothered*
People who have pictures of themselves as their desktop wallpaper.
?
??
???
What's that all about? I mean, if it was a picture of them and their friends, then I guess it'd be okay. But just a picture of them ALONE?
See, there's this thing called the mirror, and it was invented way before the desktop. If you want to stare at yourself, I guess you should start there.
Seriously, WTF?
(Reason for this rant: The girl that's sitting next to me is guilty of this crime.)
Mood: *a bit bothered*
People who have pictures of themselves as their desktop wallpaper.
?
??
???
What's that all about? I mean, if it was a picture of them and their friends, then I guess it'd be okay. But just a picture of them ALONE?
See, there's this thing called the mirror, and it was invented way before the desktop. If you want to stare at yourself, I guess you should start there.
Seriously, WTF?
(Reason for this rant: The girl that's sitting next to me is guilty of this crime.)
28 January 2008
The Adventures of Herpes Man
[Background info:
Me and my friend were talking about this person we know. And yes, we disliked this person so much, that we really couldn't help but spite him. Because seriously, he's asking for it. In the middle of the bashing session, this thing popped into my head. So yes. This is going to be full of inside jokes, so if you don't get it, I don't particularly care.]
Me and my friend were talking about this person we know. And yes, we disliked this person so much, that we really couldn't help but spite him. Because seriously, he's asking for it. In the middle of the bashing session, this thing popped into my head. So yes. This is going to be full of inside jokes, so if you don't get it, I don't particularly care.]
THE ADVENTURES OF HERPES MAN
Once there was a man.
He was adored by many.
His name was Pimple Man.
At first, all was well. Pimple Man was a normal man, in a normal world.
But then something happened. Following the release of a magical printer, Pimple Man became famous. People loved him. He gained new friends, and people loved him more. Everything was going smoothly, until the inevitable happened.
Pimple Man started to change. From a normal, confident man, he turned into an overconfident man with a god complex.
And he started showing off his pimples.
Then one day, Pimple Man woke up, and he discovered that all the love from all the people had gone into his head and transformed his pimples into something else.
Herpes.
From then on he became known as Herpes Man.
[There you go. The first installment of Herpes Man. Now, this may seem a bit surreal, but I'm in no mood to explain now cause it's late at night and I can't think straight. So yeah. Until next time!!]
Once there was a man.
He was adored by many.
His name was Pimple Man.
At first, all was well. Pimple Man was a normal man, in a normal world.
But then something happened. Following the release of a magical printer, Pimple Man became famous. People loved him. He gained new friends, and people loved him more. Everything was going smoothly, until the inevitable happened.
Pimple Man started to change. From a normal, confident man, he turned into an overconfident man with a god complex.
And he started showing off his pimples.
Then one day, Pimple Man woke up, and he discovered that all the love from all the people had gone into his head and transformed his pimples into something else.
Herpes.
From then on he became known as Herpes Man.
[There you go. The first installment of Herpes Man. Now, this may seem a bit surreal, but I'm in no mood to explain now cause it's late at night and I can't think straight. So yeah. Until next time!!]
Even In Death
I'm back. Cause I'm bored and I have nothing to do.
Plus, I don't see the object of my affections anywhere... but that could be blamed to the fact that I'm sitting in a corner of the library, and bookshelves are effectively blocking my view.
Anyways....
There's this thing in English class that's been going on for a while. Our teacher picks two lucky winners to present something at the beginning of every lesson. I've been itching for the first task: present your favorite song and say something about it.
Well...
I *REALLY* want that one. Really. I really really do. I'd volunteer for it if I could. But I can't. So all I can do is pray and hope Fate will be nice enough to grant me this one.
If I do get that task... I have a whole list of songs I can present. Of course, it's English class, so my Japanese songs are already out of the question.
1. Lithium - Evanescence
2. Even in Death - Evanescence
3. My Immortal - Evanescence
4. Five Minutes To Midnight - Boys Like Girls
5. Nymphetamine - Cradle of Filth (Not really... this is mainly just to spite the chavs in my class)
And the winner is:
Yep. If the guitar solo near the end is not enough reason to LOVE this song, well...
I love what it's about. I love the message - how people can actually love each other to the point that not even death has the power to end that bond.
This song can in fact be interpreted in so many different ways.
a) Denial
They're in love, the guy dies. The girl refuses to believe that he's gone, and continues pretending that he's still alive.
b) Undying love
They're in love. The guy dies. The girl never stops loving him even though he's gone. Her affection and devotion remains.
Or, his ghost actually visits her.
c) Symbolic
They're in love. The guy goes away/dies/has to go somewhere/ends the relationship. The girl still loves him.
True, this is the least plausible scenario, but it still works.
See? See? Wherever else can you find a song that is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful, so soaked up in angst and just... just...
It's like staring at the Cullens from Twilight. So deathly angelic... so perfect!
Undying love. Yes.
And the guitar solo... Hmmm... So much pain, I feel as though it's shrieking at me. I love it just oh-so much.
Plus, I don't see the object of my affections anywhere... but that could be blamed to the fact that I'm sitting in a corner of the library, and bookshelves are effectively blocking my view.
Anyways....
There's this thing in English class that's been going on for a while. Our teacher picks two lucky winners to present something at the beginning of every lesson. I've been itching for the first task: present your favorite song and say something about it.
Well...
I *REALLY* want that one. Really. I really really do. I'd volunteer for it if I could. But I can't. So all I can do is pray and hope Fate will be nice enough to grant me this one.
If I do get that task... I have a whole list of songs I can present. Of course, it's English class, so my Japanese songs are already out of the question.
1. Lithium - Evanescence
2. Even in Death - Evanescence
3. My Immortal - Evanescence
4. Five Minutes To Midnight - Boys Like Girls
5. Nymphetamine - Cradle of Filth (Not really... this is mainly just to spite the chavs in my class)
And the winner is:
Yep. If the guitar solo near the end is not enough reason to LOVE this song, well...
I love what it's about. I love the message - how people can actually love each other to the point that not even death has the power to end that bond.
This song can in fact be interpreted in so many different ways.
a) Denial
They're in love, the guy dies. The girl refuses to believe that he's gone, and continues pretending that he's still alive.
b) Undying love
They're in love. The guy dies. The girl never stops loving him even though he's gone. Her affection and devotion remains.
Or, his ghost actually visits her.
c) Symbolic
They're in love. The guy goes away/dies/has to go somewhere/ends the relationship. The girl still loves him.
True, this is the least plausible scenario, but it still works.
See? See? Wherever else can you find a song that is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful, so soaked up in angst and just... just...
It's like staring at the Cullens from Twilight. So deathly angelic... so perfect!
Undying love. Yes.
And the guitar solo... Hmmm... So much pain, I feel as though it's shrieking at me. I love it just oh-so much.
Of Library Musings And Religious Bullshit
January 28, 2008
Mood: somber
It's free period. I'm sitting in the library. I should probably be doing something a bit more productive right now... something a bit more substantial than a blog post. But I don't particularly care. Besides, I've been itching to update this thing for several days now. It's time I finally do so...
This is again, one of those days that I don't feel like doing anything except rot away in my bed.
But not really. This is one of those days that I don't really feel like doing anything. Except die. Just joking. Not really.
No, it's not a bad day. Far from it. Under normal circumstance I should be fine. But lately I've been kind of... philosophical. And as much as that's a good thing, it's also bad. Cause philosophical thoughts depress me.
Maybe taking History and Philosophy next year isn't such a hot idea after all...
Europe is a nice place to live in. But is my life just to be confined to keeping up with the latest fashion trends, studying hard to get good grades to secure a nice spot at a university, traveling to other European countries? Granted, there's surely more to it than that, but it feels like an empty existence.
Asia was also a nice place to live in. But is life really all about business, keeping up with religious bureaucracy (and bullshit)? I'm sure there's more... I just don't see it. I'm blind. Selective blindness. Excellent disease.
My problem is that for a Cancer, I find it relatively hard to commit to anything.
Cause I know that everything ends, eventually.
True, I could just enjoy the journey while I'm at it. But I don't know.
I hope this dreary feeling of gloom ends soon. It's suffocating. I don't like it. It's a very familiar feeling, but this is one feeling of familiarity I'd rather forget.
I had a dream last night. It involved a picture.
A picture of me kissing someone.
Hurray.
You would've been perfect... but not really. I guess it's fine as it is. We wouldn't have been compatible anyways.
I want to sit here and not move. No, I want to disappear and reappear again when I feel like it.
Is there really a God?
Yes. I'm sure there's a God. But his followers are insane.
I saw a documentary last night. Turns out that Herod, twisted and power-hungry as he was, had NEVER ordered the massacre of the innocents. No. It never happened. Or if it did, it wasn't him.
I am finding out more and more truths about this book that is the cornerstone of my belief. And well, if the cornerstone turns out to be built of lies... How am I supposed to keep on believing?
Jesus once mentioned something about how having faith the size of a mustard seed was good enough. Or something along those lines. Well, I believe in God. I do. Because the universe is filled with too much wonder, too many amazing things, too many fantastic creations, that there HAS to be a God. This isn't just the product of some random natural selection... No. Someone created this whole thing. Why? I don't know. No one knows. I don't know if anyone will ever know. Why was this whole shebang created? No one knows either. All we can do is speculate, and live our lives the best way we know.
Sometimes I feel like turning Agnostic. Organized religion is filled with too much bullshit nowadays. Hypocrites right and left... propaganda everywhere. What these righteous, motherfucking religious leaders don't understand is that... well, just because they believe in something doesn't make them superior. Children believe in Santa too, you know.
And God speaks to you. Okay. You believe so, I won't trash your belief. But if it comes to the point that you start saying "God told me that these books are the work of the devil!!" well I've got news for you. It's called Schizophrenia, my dear child. Look it up.
You know that your God is fictional if he hates the same people that you do.
Whatever happened to "love your neighbor"? Nowadays it's all "prosecute the sinners and interpret the Bible the way you see fit. Oh, and prosecute the sinners." We're back to the days of the Pharisees, we're back to crucifying people because their lifestyle doesn't match with our belief system.
I don't like it. Not one bit.
The worst part is that these religious hypocrites do not know how to listen! True, they can "hear" the voice of God, but can they hear their neighbors? NOOOOO. It will be a cold day in hell before these righteous fuckers decide to open their ears and finally pull out that log sticking out of their eyes.
If Jesus were alive today, He'd cry. I'm sure He would.
A wise man once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
It was Mahatma Gandhi, I believe. But I may be wrong. It doesn't matter though. Whoever said that hit the nail right on the head. It's true. So true. So true it should be framed and plastered to the faces of all the Pharisees today.
I think I'd rather be Agnostic than deal with all this bullshit. Ha. Agnostic. My grandparents would love that. So would my aunt. So nice to have come from a family of right-wing, über-conservative religious hippies. Close-minded hippies. At least the real hippies from the 70's were open to everything.
But I don't care. I don't care anymore. Organized religion is only draining the life out of me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm desperately clinging to this shit only because I'm afraid of hell.
But if heaven is full of these organized righteous hippies... then it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
I believe in God. But not in his people. His people are insane.
And you wanna hear God talk? I believe that I hear him speak whenever I'm lying in an open field, staring up at the vast, starry sky. When the wind blows in my face, when I can smell the clean, crisp air, when the grass around me starts moving... yes. I hear Him then.
Too bad you guys are too busy hearing yourself talk to even hear His voice.
Mood: somber
It's free period. I'm sitting in the library. I should probably be doing something a bit more productive right now... something a bit more substantial than a blog post. But I don't particularly care. Besides, I've been itching to update this thing for several days now. It's time I finally do so...
This is again, one of those days that I don't feel like doing anything except rot away in my bed.
But not really. This is one of those days that I don't really feel like doing anything. Except die. Just joking. Not really.
No, it's not a bad day. Far from it. Under normal circumstance I should be fine. But lately I've been kind of... philosophical. And as much as that's a good thing, it's also bad. Cause philosophical thoughts depress me.
Maybe taking History and Philosophy next year isn't such a hot idea after all...
Europe is a nice place to live in. But is my life just to be confined to keeping up with the latest fashion trends, studying hard to get good grades to secure a nice spot at a university, traveling to other European countries? Granted, there's surely more to it than that, but it feels like an empty existence.
Asia was also a nice place to live in. But is life really all about business, keeping up with religious bureaucracy (and bullshit)? I'm sure there's more... I just don't see it. I'm blind. Selective blindness. Excellent disease.
My problem is that for a Cancer, I find it relatively hard to commit to anything.
Cause I know that everything ends, eventually.
True, I could just enjoy the journey while I'm at it. But I don't know.
I hope this dreary feeling of gloom ends soon. It's suffocating. I don't like it. It's a very familiar feeling, but this is one feeling of familiarity I'd rather forget.
I had a dream last night. It involved a picture.
A picture of me kissing someone.
Hurray.
You would've been perfect... but not really. I guess it's fine as it is. We wouldn't have been compatible anyways.
I want to sit here and not move. No, I want to disappear and reappear again when I feel like it.
Is there really a God?
Yes. I'm sure there's a God. But his followers are insane.
I saw a documentary last night. Turns out that Herod, twisted and power-hungry as he was, had NEVER ordered the massacre of the innocents. No. It never happened. Or if it did, it wasn't him.
I am finding out more and more truths about this book that is the cornerstone of my belief. And well, if the cornerstone turns out to be built of lies... How am I supposed to keep on believing?
Jesus once mentioned something about how having faith the size of a mustard seed was good enough. Or something along those lines. Well, I believe in God. I do. Because the universe is filled with too much wonder, too many amazing things, too many fantastic creations, that there HAS to be a God. This isn't just the product of some random natural selection... No. Someone created this whole thing. Why? I don't know. No one knows. I don't know if anyone will ever know. Why was this whole shebang created? No one knows either. All we can do is speculate, and live our lives the best way we know.
Sometimes I feel like turning Agnostic. Organized religion is filled with too much bullshit nowadays. Hypocrites right and left... propaganda everywhere. What these righteous, motherfucking religious leaders don't understand is that... well, just because they believe in something doesn't make them superior. Children believe in Santa too, you know.
And God speaks to you. Okay. You believe so, I won't trash your belief. But if it comes to the point that you start saying "God told me that these books are the work of the devil!!" well I've got news for you. It's called Schizophrenia, my dear child. Look it up.
You know that your God is fictional if he hates the same people that you do.
Whatever happened to "love your neighbor"? Nowadays it's all "prosecute the sinners and interpret the Bible the way you see fit. Oh, and prosecute the sinners." We're back to the days of the Pharisees, we're back to crucifying people because their lifestyle doesn't match with our belief system.
I don't like it. Not one bit.
The worst part is that these religious hypocrites do not know how to listen! True, they can "hear" the voice of God, but can they hear their neighbors? NOOOOO. It will be a cold day in hell before these righteous fuckers decide to open their ears and finally pull out that log sticking out of their eyes.
If Jesus were alive today, He'd cry. I'm sure He would.
A wise man once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
It was Mahatma Gandhi, I believe. But I may be wrong. It doesn't matter though. Whoever said that hit the nail right on the head. It's true. So true. So true it should be framed and plastered to the faces of all the Pharisees today.
I think I'd rather be Agnostic than deal with all this bullshit. Ha. Agnostic. My grandparents would love that. So would my aunt. So nice to have come from a family of right-wing, über-conservative religious hippies. Close-minded hippies. At least the real hippies from the 70's were open to everything.
But I don't care. I don't care anymore. Organized religion is only draining the life out of me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm desperately clinging to this shit only because I'm afraid of hell.
But if heaven is full of these organized righteous hippies... then it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
I believe in God. But not in his people. His people are insane.
And you wanna hear God talk? I believe that I hear him speak whenever I'm lying in an open field, staring up at the vast, starry sky. When the wind blows in my face, when I can smell the clean, crisp air, when the grass around me starts moving... yes. I hear Him then.
Too bad you guys are too busy hearing yourself talk to even hear His voice.
24 January 2008
Blank Eyes
January 24, 2008
Mood: Restless
So my inner demons have decided to work full time today.
I'm in Spanish class. I shouldn't be here. Today I feel like just wasting away in my bed, listening to angsty music and just letting the world go by. A cigarette would complete that picture, only that I don't smoke.
It took me quite long to get up today. I knew from the moment I woke up that this wasn't gonna be my best day.
But whatever. One must keep up with the tide of life or be swept away.
Change.
I hate change. I fear change. It may be for the better, but akin to a butterfly pushing its way out of the cocoon... the transition is often painful.
Maybe happy endings are happy because the people involved are smart enough to end everything while it's still going good?
Right now... I want it to be night. I want to be lying down in the middle of an empty field, staring up at the night sky. I don't care if it's starry or starless, full moon or no moon... I just want to be there. It always helps me with my thoughts. The feeling of peace and serenity that few other things can offer.
Why do I think too much?
I thought that huge dark shadow covering the 18 year mark was gone. It was clear before. But now it's covered with a thick fog. I can't see more than a few feet from where I am. I only have blind faith and blind devotion to cling to... to get me there. I can't even remember what was there before the fog came.
It's hard to make decisions when you start learning more. Because the more you know, the more the world becomes blurred around the edges. Everything you thought was right is wrong, and everything you thought was wrong is right. Come to think of it, nothing is ever solid right and wrong. Everything depends on how you justify it.
But what is life anyway but a never-ending quest for answers?
Mood: Restless
So my inner demons have decided to work full time today.
I'm in Spanish class. I shouldn't be here. Today I feel like just wasting away in my bed, listening to angsty music and just letting the world go by. A cigarette would complete that picture, only that I don't smoke.
It took me quite long to get up today. I knew from the moment I woke up that this wasn't gonna be my best day.
But whatever. One must keep up with the tide of life or be swept away.
Change.
I hate change. I fear change. It may be for the better, but akin to a butterfly pushing its way out of the cocoon... the transition is often painful.
Maybe happy endings are happy because the people involved are smart enough to end everything while it's still going good?
Right now... I want it to be night. I want to be lying down in the middle of an empty field, staring up at the night sky. I don't care if it's starry or starless, full moon or no moon... I just want to be there. It always helps me with my thoughts. The feeling of peace and serenity that few other things can offer.
Why do I think too much?
I thought that huge dark shadow covering the 18 year mark was gone. It was clear before. But now it's covered with a thick fog. I can't see more than a few feet from where I am. I only have blind faith and blind devotion to cling to... to get me there. I can't even remember what was there before the fog came.
It's hard to make decisions when you start learning more. Because the more you know, the more the world becomes blurred around the edges. Everything you thought was right is wrong, and everything you thought was wrong is right. Come to think of it, nothing is ever solid right and wrong. Everything depends on how you justify it.
But what is life anyway but a never-ending quest for answers?
22 January 2008
I can't believe it!
January 22, 2008
Mood: Shocked
I'm posting again because of this:
Heath Ledger Found Dead
I just... I just can't believe it! He was just 28!
Oh please, let this be a bad dream that I'll wake up from tomorrow... :'(
Mood: Shocked
I'm posting again because of this:
Heath Ledger Found Dead
I just... I just can't believe it! He was just 28!
Oh please, let this be a bad dream that I'll wake up from tomorrow... :'(
20 January 2008
In Sickness and Exams
January 19, 2008
Mood: Irritated
My patience seems to be wearing thin these past few days.
Maybe it's just the stress from midterms finally catching up on me. The late nights spent poring over the books, or maybe it's because of the flu.
I often find myself just sporting a fake smile when people talk to me. I don't like it. Not one little bit.
I need mood stabilizers.
--------------
Okay, so Firefox (or blogger) decided to be a real pain and not let me post this thing. In an amazing case of serendipity though, that very thing has caused me to come up with several more ideas for this post.
Pet peeves.
We all have em.
1. Chain Letters
I bloody hate these. When I open my inbox and see an email from a friend, I expect a REAL message - not something about a dead 4 year old girl who will stuff me down the shower drain if I don't pass on the message to 500 strangers within the next 15 seconds.
Please. Spare me.
2. Friendster/MySpace Display Names
It might be a little hypocritical ranting about this, because my display name on Friendster is not my given name... But everyone I know knows that I use that codename. It was my codename throughout high school, so no one gives me shit about it.
However, it annoys me to no end to scroll through my friends list and see endless versions of "xXxEmOtEaRs4lYfxXx" and "fUcK_oFF". Stop it. Having names with letters that switch back and forth from lower case to uppercase does not make you cool. In fact, it makes it difficult for people to find you. So stop it.
3. Hip-Hop "Gangsters"
Oh yes. Forgive me for not thinking that grunting into a fucking microphone is talent. Forgive me for not "ooh"ing and gushing over that huge fucking diamond dangling from your neck while children die from hunger in Africa. Sorry for not humping you and giving you a fucking lap dance when you call women "hoes". (Ugh, that spelling hurts me)
4. Deliberate Wrong Spelling, Bad Grammar
This is the very thing that often deters me from reading my friends' blogs. Oh dear me. I know, it brings you great pleasure to type lYk tHiS, but believe me, it is far from pleasant to have to read a two page long rant about the injustices in the world when it's written like that. Type like normal people. It's not that hard. See? I'm writing normally and nothing bad's happened to me.
And need help on that grammar? Read some books.
5. Emo Pictures
Oh yes. You know these. People who blatantly state that they are fucking hardcore emo by posting a picture of their slit wrists. Look dude, if you're doing that, you are NOT depressed - you just fucking want attention. Real depressed people actually HIDE their wrists. That's why it's often difficult to help them, because they don't show their pain. They mask it. Posting a picture of your shallowly cut, barely bleeding wrists only makes you look like a whiny douchebag.
And bathroom pictures, WTF?! I always panic when a picture like that appears in my friends' profiles. It only means that they're descending down that slippery slope to emo land. Seriously. No one wants to fucking see your bathroom. Take a picture of yourself in your room, in the park, in your living room, in your classroom - ANYWHERE! But that bathroom? What's the message you want to send across there? "This is where I cry and slit my wrist because of the pain I feel inside! This is also where I shit and take a bath."
PLEASE! Spare us!
-------------
Blogging is good therapy.
That's not even my whole list of pet peeves, but I'm feeling much better now. So yes. I'm done.
Mood: Irritated
My patience seems to be wearing thin these past few days.
Maybe it's just the stress from midterms finally catching up on me. The late nights spent poring over the books, or maybe it's because of the flu.
I often find myself just sporting a fake smile when people talk to me. I don't like it. Not one little bit.
I need mood stabilizers.
--------------
Okay, so Firefox (or blogger) decided to be a real pain and not let me post this thing. In an amazing case of serendipity though, that very thing has caused me to come up with several more ideas for this post.
Pet peeves.
We all have em.
1. Chain Letters
I bloody hate these. When I open my inbox and see an email from a friend, I expect a REAL message - not something about a dead 4 year old girl who will stuff me down the shower drain if I don't pass on the message to 500 strangers within the next 15 seconds.
Please. Spare me.
2. Friendster/MySpace Display Names
It might be a little hypocritical ranting about this, because my display name on Friendster is not my given name... But everyone I know knows that I use that codename. It was my codename throughout high school, so no one gives me shit about it.
However, it annoys me to no end to scroll through my friends list and see endless versions of "xXxEmOtEaRs4lYfxXx" and "fUcK_oFF". Stop it. Having names with letters that switch back and forth from lower case to uppercase does not make you cool. In fact, it makes it difficult for people to find you. So stop it.
3. Hip-Hop "Gangsters"
Oh yes. Forgive me for not thinking that grunting into a fucking microphone is talent. Forgive me for not "ooh"ing and gushing over that huge fucking diamond dangling from your neck while children die from hunger in Africa. Sorry for not humping you and giving you a fucking lap dance when you call women "hoes". (Ugh, that spelling hurts me)
4. Deliberate Wrong Spelling, Bad Grammar
This is the very thing that often deters me from reading my friends' blogs. Oh dear me. I know, it brings you great pleasure to type lYk tHiS, but believe me, it is far from pleasant to have to read a two page long rant about the injustices in the world when it's written like that. Type like normal people. It's not that hard. See? I'm writing normally and nothing bad's happened to me.
And need help on that grammar? Read some books.
5. Emo Pictures
Oh yes. You know these. People who blatantly state that they are fucking hardcore emo by posting a picture of their slit wrists. Look dude, if you're doing that, you are NOT depressed - you just fucking want attention. Real depressed people actually HIDE their wrists. That's why it's often difficult to help them, because they don't show their pain. They mask it. Posting a picture of your shallowly cut, barely bleeding wrists only makes you look like a whiny douchebag.
And bathroom pictures, WTF?! I always panic when a picture like that appears in my friends' profiles. It only means that they're descending down that slippery slope to emo land. Seriously. No one wants to fucking see your bathroom. Take a picture of yourself in your room, in the park, in your living room, in your classroom - ANYWHERE! But that bathroom? What's the message you want to send across there? "This is where I cry and slit my wrist because of the pain I feel inside! This is also where I shit and take a bath."
PLEASE! Spare us!
-------------
Blogging is good therapy.
That's not even my whole list of pet peeves, but I'm feeling much better now. So yes. I'm done.
11 January 2008
Least Of Your Worries
January 11, 2008
Mood: Too busy cramming to even feel anything
Midterms are kinda killing me right now.
But they are fun. And I'm sure that by saying that, a thousand students just cried out in outrage. Yeah well, whatever. I dunno what's come over me. I used to despise exams, but now I'm actually relishing them. Wow. I should see a psychiatrist or something.
Anyways, can't stay long. I have a test in geography tomorrow, and as of now I still have 7 pages to read and to write notes about, and I still have to go over this reviewer thingie.
Before I depart, however, I leave this quote that our Social Studies teacher has so graciously written in on our test papers:
"There is war and need in the world, so no one feels sorry for you because you have an exam."
I love that quote. On so many different levels.
Bye for now.
Mood: Too busy cramming to even feel anything
Midterms are kinda killing me right now.
But they are fun. And I'm sure that by saying that, a thousand students just cried out in outrage. Yeah well, whatever. I dunno what's come over me. I used to despise exams, but now I'm actually relishing them. Wow. I should see a psychiatrist or something.
Anyways, can't stay long. I have a test in geography tomorrow, and as of now I still have 7 pages to read and to write notes about, and I still have to go over this reviewer thingie.
Before I depart, however, I leave this quote that our Social Studies teacher has so graciously written in on our test papers:
"There is war and need in the world, so no one feels sorry for you because you have an exam."
I love that quote. On so many different levels.
Bye for now.
7 January 2008
All Is Well
January 7, 2008
Mood: Completely and utterly blissful
Some days, everything just seems to go right.
Today was just fantastic. :D
Despite my worries last night, I was able to wake up at 6 am. True, I suddenly awakened at 3 am for unknown reasons, but maybe it was just my Circadian rhythm acting up, after being thoroughly screwed over by Christmas break. xD
So yeah. It was a good start, then I made this [stupid] decision to walk to school even with the 8 inches of snow piled up all around me. A daunting task, and a really hare-brained one too.
But it's all good. Something else made up for it. :) Or rather, someone.
Then our science teacher gave us our test results. I got an A! Awesome!
But the clincher for this wonderful day...
I got a card from a friend, which is awesome enough. However, I also got a present from another friend. It was a gift for moi; a gift which caused me to run around the house, bouncing and squeeing whilst clutching her letter.
It pwned.
I love her lots. :D
And I'm never taking this wristband off.
Mood: Completely and utterly blissful
Some days, everything just seems to go right.
Today was just fantastic. :D
Despite my worries last night, I was able to wake up at 6 am. True, I suddenly awakened at 3 am for unknown reasons, but maybe it was just my Circadian rhythm acting up, after being thoroughly screwed over by Christmas break. xD
So yeah. It was a good start, then I made this [stupid] decision to walk to school even with the 8 inches of snow piled up all around me. A daunting task, and a really hare-brained one too.
But it's all good. Something else made up for it. :) Or rather, someone.
Then our science teacher gave us our test results. I got an A! Awesome!
But the clincher for this wonderful day...
I got a card from a friend, which is awesome enough. However, I also got a present from another friend. It was a gift for moi; a gift which caused me to run around the house, bouncing and squeeing whilst clutching her letter.
It pwned.
I love her lots. :D
And I'm never taking this wristband off.
6 January 2008
Why Robert Pattinson is Not Edward
…and why I do not want to see the movie. Ever.
So I finally gathered my thoughts together to form a coherent argument, since there are no more exams to distract me.
First of all, I do not even remotely care that the bloke is British – accents can be hidden, as demonstrated by Christian Bale in Batman Begins.
Second of all; hair color. So he’s blonde. Whatever. Dye his hair in that weird shade of bronze and auburn.
So why don’t I like him?
Well…I don’t care that Stephenie Meyers likes him. Although I do respect her decision (and she should know anyways, she’s the writer), allow me to say this; Jo did not object either when the imbeciles at WB hired Michael Gambon to play Dumbledore, thus forever leaving the children who watched GoF mental images of the kind, gentle, well-mannered, corky old grandpa SHAKING and YELLING at the poor bewildered Harry Potter.
[Heart rate: 92 beats per minute… am I angry yet?]
I don’t like him because he’s not how I pictured Edward. I don’t think anyone really pictured him as Edward. I think the people who claim he’s perfect as Edward are just lying to themselves. Because this guy is not Edward.
True, Pattinson is attractive, but come on. Let’s face it. He’s not and will never be the impossibly handsome and almost godlike Edward.
Pattinson and Edward are just… like Yin and Yang. Pattinson is course whereas Edward is smooth. Pattinson is rough whereas Edward is refined. Pattinson is common whereas Edward is extraordinary. And Pattinson is human – human features, human looks, human impression. Just. Human. No trace of the divine ethereal grace that Edward is.
Plus, I don’t like how angular his face is. I think Pattinson is more of a Picasso while Edward is a Botticelli (I thought of the angels…)
(And yes, I checked out the Vanity Fair pictures that everyone is yapping about. I think I stared at those for a long time before coming to the conclusion that……Tom Cruise is a better Lestat.)
I know that people will complain anyways, whoever they cast. But still. Couldn’t they at least have chosen someone else who is as good an actor but doesn’t look as… normal?
And yes. So he’s a good actor. Fine. If acting skills were just the deciding factor, then why did they not hire Johnny Depp? Now there’s an excellent one, if you ask me. And he’s handsome too. And you can just fix it with make-up, you know? Or if you’re worried about the age, then take… unfortunately, I don’t fangirl a lot of 20-or-so years old actors. But I’m sure you get my point.
I really can’t think of anything to say now. This note which should only have taken 10 minutes to write ate up a good 45 minutes of my life. I had to stop every once in a while and remember to breathe, and to remind myself that I have no intentions of buying myself a new keyboard.For my Edward, I would give up my heart, my life, my soul. For this guy… nothing. Oh no, wait. I would give up my extra pair of tweezers so he could finally do something about those eyebrows. He’s not Collin Farrell, it doesn’t work.
------------
Ah yes. My anti-Pattinson rant. I originally wrote this on Facebook, but I thought it deserved a place here too.
There's something else missing here... oh yeah!
One of my friends linked me to a video on YouTube. Someone had compiled clips of Edward fangirls reacting when they found out that our god was to be played by this Robert Pattinson. Understandably, they were outraged, and it was obvious in their expressions and body language.
Now at the end of said video, this person wrote that "You make Robert cry. You. Yes you." Albeit not verbatim, but it's close.
To that person, I only have this to say;
I watched your video. Several times, trying to see if I had indeed made Pattinson cry. He did not. So I leave you with this definition that you so DESPERATELY need to know and understand.
cry \ˈkrī\ verb : weeping
Inflected Form(s): cried; cry·ing
Etymology: Middle English crien, from Anglo-French crier, from Latin quiritare to make a public outcry, perhaps from Quirit-, Quiris, Roman citizen
Date: 13th century
That is all. I shall be sending you a Thesaurus for Christmas, so you can finally make PROPER accusations.
Still not watching the damn movie.
Lots of love [and hate],
The Crazy Authoress.
So I finally gathered my thoughts together to form a coherent argument, since there are no more exams to distract me.
First of all, I do not even remotely care that the bloke is British – accents can be hidden, as demonstrated by Christian Bale in Batman Begins.
Second of all; hair color. So he’s blonde. Whatever. Dye his hair in that weird shade of bronze and auburn.
So why don’t I like him?
Well…I don’t care that Stephenie Meyers likes him. Although I do respect her decision (and she should know anyways, she’s the writer), allow me to say this; Jo did not object either when the imbeciles at WB hired Michael Gambon to play Dumbledore, thus forever leaving the children who watched GoF mental images of the kind, gentle, well-mannered, corky old grandpa SHAKING and YELLING at the poor bewildered Harry Potter.
[Heart rate: 92 beats per minute… am I angry yet?]
I don’t like him because he’s not how I pictured Edward. I don’t think anyone really pictured him as Edward. I think the people who claim he’s perfect as Edward are just lying to themselves. Because this guy is not Edward.
True, Pattinson is attractive, but come on. Let’s face it. He’s not and will never be the impossibly handsome and almost godlike Edward.
Pattinson and Edward are just… like Yin and Yang. Pattinson is course whereas Edward is smooth. Pattinson is rough whereas Edward is refined. Pattinson is common whereas Edward is extraordinary. And Pattinson is human – human features, human looks, human impression. Just. Human. No trace of the divine ethereal grace that Edward is.
Plus, I don’t like how angular his face is. I think Pattinson is more of a Picasso while Edward is a Botticelli (I thought of the angels…)
(And yes, I checked out the Vanity Fair pictures that everyone is yapping about. I think I stared at those for a long time before coming to the conclusion that……Tom Cruise is a better Lestat.)
I know that people will complain anyways, whoever they cast. But still. Couldn’t they at least have chosen someone else who is as good an actor but doesn’t look as… normal?
And yes. So he’s a good actor. Fine. If acting skills were just the deciding factor, then why did they not hire Johnny Depp? Now there’s an excellent one, if you ask me. And he’s handsome too. And you can just fix it with make-up, you know? Or if you’re worried about the age, then take… unfortunately, I don’t fangirl a lot of 20-or-so years old actors. But I’m sure you get my point.
I really can’t think of anything to say now. This note which should only have taken 10 minutes to write ate up a good 45 minutes of my life. I had to stop every once in a while and remember to breathe, and to remind myself that I have no intentions of buying myself a new keyboard.For my Edward, I would give up my heart, my life, my soul. For this guy… nothing. Oh no, wait. I would give up my extra pair of tweezers so he could finally do something about those eyebrows. He’s not Collin Farrell, it doesn’t work.
------------
Ah yes. My anti-Pattinson rant. I originally wrote this on Facebook, but I thought it deserved a place here too.
There's something else missing here... oh yeah!
One of my friends linked me to a video on YouTube. Someone had compiled clips of Edward fangirls reacting when they found out that our god was to be played by this Robert Pattinson. Understandably, they were outraged, and it was obvious in their expressions and body language.
Now at the end of said video, this person wrote that "You make Robert cry. You. Yes you." Albeit not verbatim, but it's close.
To that person, I only have this to say;
I watched your video. Several times, trying to see if I had indeed made Pattinson cry. He did not. So I leave you with this definition that you so DESPERATELY need to know and understand.
cry \ˈkrī\ verb : weeping
Inflected Form(s): cried; cry·ing
Etymology: Middle English crien, from Anglo-French crier, from Latin quiritare to make a public outcry, perhaps from Quirit-, Quiris, Roman citizen
Date: 13th century
That is all. I shall be sending you a Thesaurus for Christmas, so you can finally make PROPER accusations.
Still not watching the damn movie.
Lots of love [and hate],
The Crazy Authoress.
5 January 2008
Musings Of The Procrastinating Mind
January 4, 2008
Mood: Contemplative (as usual)
(listening to: Boys Like Girls)
I'm supposed to be studying for a geography test. But as always happens when I'm listening to music whilst reading up on a subject I don't appreciate that much, my mind is somewhere else, scattered, going more than 100 mph in various directions.
My greatest strength and flaw is that I think too much.
So yeah. In the few hours I've spent sitting here, supposedly studying for a test, I've learned a lot. Loads of things. None of which are related to the subject I really need to be reviewing, but in my opinion is a lot more relevant to my life than how icebergs sculpt the landscape. :P
I've learned one key element in all the music that I like. I realized it while I was listening to Up Against The Wall. Every single song I like gives me this specific feeling... it's hard to describe. I'd say a delicious pain, a hollow ache of longing or something. But meh. Pleasurable to me, at least.
But enough rambling, let's get to the purpose of this post.
While I was pondering, I happened to be facing my wall that's plastered with posters. One side has anime posters, the other has my Prisoner of Azkaban poster.
And so all these memories and thoughts rush in my head. Memories of how I felt when I entered the bookstore that day in July, fully decked in Hogwarts garb... the excitement I felt when I held the book, a decade or so of secrets about to be revealed to me... how the world stopped (at least for us) on July 21... how everything came to a standstill as we all read the finale to the series that we grew up with...
Then I thought about a friend of mine, who documented his July 21 experience. I can't help but smile everytime I remember his expression when he finally got the book. His breathing came faster, he was just... bursting with joy and excitement. It was so cute. And then I also remembered my beloved person who is yet unaware of my affection (:P). He cried when he got the book. And I fully understand why.
A door closed. This series has been our life, our anchor. It was indeed bittersweet.
And this is coming from me. To tell the truth, I'm not a hardcore Potter fan. I've never been. I've never been that "in" the wizarding community. I don't know that much about Harry Potter, I've never been a big fan of Wrock, heck, I don't even have a wand.
But I love Harry Potter. I love everything that's happened to my life because of it. I love how it has built bridges, connected people all over the globe. I love how two perfect strangers can strike up a friendship while waiting in line at the bookshop to buy the latest Harry Potter book. I love how two people who don't even speak the same language smile at each other when they see each other carrying a Harry Potter book in a different language.
And so I think, what would have happened to me if I never really got in the Harry Potter fandom? My immediate thought was, wow, that would've been a very sad life. And yes. It would have been.
It's hard to tell how your life would have ended up if you take out one key element. Really, it is. Because if something didn't happen, it could be that something else would have happened in it's stead, leaving you with virtually the same life, except a bit different. OR, it could result in catastrophe. Either way, it's never the same, and it's hard to predict.
But it is worth a shot. So I tried to go back memory lane, to trace back to the time when I first got into HP. I remember that it was because of a newspaper article. The Potter hype was just starting back then, and I remember not really caring about it, since I've already got my anime world to worry about. But that article had some Harry Potter questions in it, and I couldn't answer them. Then I saw the thing at the bottom, "If you do not know the answer to any of these questions, then you are a Muggle, meaning that not one drop of magical blood flows in your veins."
Now, that's about the worst thing you can say to a fantasy geek.
And yes. It all stemmed from there. Now I'm here, watching it snow outside, completely contented with my life, staring at my HP poster, and contemplating the fact that my Harry Potter friends from all over the globe are just waking up right now. I'm also saving up for a possible trip this summer, not really possible if it weren't for HP.
What if I hadn't seen that newspaper article? Or, what if I did read it, but didn't pay any attention? What if my young self had said "HP, bah. I don't need another obsession. I'll stick with anime"?
If that had indeed happened, I can think of endless scenarios that could have resulted from it. Each one leading to a different future, each one leading to a different state of mind. Hard to predict. But I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have the same connections I have now, I wouldn't know half the things I know now, I wouldn't be half as happy as I am now, and I would still be desperately clutching on to a past that I have long since let go of.
Or I may be dead, and the last post in this blog would have been a suicide note.
Or maybe this blog wouldn't be here in the first place.
Or maybe, nothing would change. Maybe something else would prompt me to start this blog, somethine else would prompt me to write this, and I would be writing of that something else.
Maybe instead of the friends I have now, I would've made different friends in a different circle of life. That circle may exist isolated from the circle I have now, or who knows. Maybe it would have interlapped, and I would've ended again in the exact same place I am now, but in a different way.
Again, endless possibilities. None of which I really have the desire to explore. I'm quite happy with the life I have now... I would say I'm very happy and content if it weren't for the feeling of impending doom brought upon by this blasted geography test. And the social studies test. And the math test. And the gym test. Siriusly*, who needs to take a written exam in gymnastics? Why is it needed? I don't get the point.
I also have a Japanese test. But meh, I can study for that in between classes.
(*Also brought upon by the Potter community.)
I don't have a list of New Year's resolutions. Mainly because I know I wouldn't be able to fulfill them anyways, but also because the point of having one is to change yourself, thus improving your life. But frankly, I'm really really contented with the life I have now. I think I'll keep it like this for a while.
Or wait, perhaps I should write here a bit more. As you've probably noticed, I've barely updated this thing the past year. I have a whole laundry list of excuses; too busy, schoolwork, afraid to be stalked (ironically enough), couldn't think of anything, never got around to it, acid reflux, etc etc etc
But whatever. It's a brand new year. I'll update more.
Ciao.
Mood: Contemplative (as usual)
(listening to: Boys Like Girls)
I'm supposed to be studying for a geography test. But as always happens when I'm listening to music whilst reading up on a subject I don't appreciate that much, my mind is somewhere else, scattered, going more than 100 mph in various directions.
My greatest strength and flaw is that I think too much.
So yeah. In the few hours I've spent sitting here, supposedly studying for a test, I've learned a lot. Loads of things. None of which are related to the subject I really need to be reviewing, but in my opinion is a lot more relevant to my life than how icebergs sculpt the landscape. :P
I've learned one key element in all the music that I like. I realized it while I was listening to Up Against The Wall. Every single song I like gives me this specific feeling... it's hard to describe. I'd say a delicious pain, a hollow ache of longing or something. But meh. Pleasurable to me, at least.
But enough rambling, let's get to the purpose of this post.
While I was pondering, I happened to be facing my wall that's plastered with posters. One side has anime posters, the other has my Prisoner of Azkaban poster.
And so all these memories and thoughts rush in my head. Memories of how I felt when I entered the bookstore that day in July, fully decked in Hogwarts garb... the excitement I felt when I held the book, a decade or so of secrets about to be revealed to me... how the world stopped (at least for us) on July 21... how everything came to a standstill as we all read the finale to the series that we grew up with...
Then I thought about a friend of mine, who documented his July 21 experience. I can't help but smile everytime I remember his expression when he finally got the book. His breathing came faster, he was just... bursting with joy and excitement. It was so cute. And then I also remembered my beloved person who is yet unaware of my affection (:P). He cried when he got the book. And I fully understand why.
A door closed. This series has been our life, our anchor. It was indeed bittersweet.
And this is coming from me. To tell the truth, I'm not a hardcore Potter fan. I've never been. I've never been that "in" the wizarding community. I don't know that much about Harry Potter, I've never been a big fan of Wrock, heck, I don't even have a wand.
But I love Harry Potter. I love everything that's happened to my life because of it. I love how it has built bridges, connected people all over the globe. I love how two perfect strangers can strike up a friendship while waiting in line at the bookshop to buy the latest Harry Potter book. I love how two people who don't even speak the same language smile at each other when they see each other carrying a Harry Potter book in a different language.
And so I think, what would have happened to me if I never really got in the Harry Potter fandom? My immediate thought was, wow, that would've been a very sad life. And yes. It would have been.
It's hard to tell how your life would have ended up if you take out one key element. Really, it is. Because if something didn't happen, it could be that something else would have happened in it's stead, leaving you with virtually the same life, except a bit different. OR, it could result in catastrophe. Either way, it's never the same, and it's hard to predict.
But it is worth a shot. So I tried to go back memory lane, to trace back to the time when I first got into HP. I remember that it was because of a newspaper article. The Potter hype was just starting back then, and I remember not really caring about it, since I've already got my anime world to worry about. But that article had some Harry Potter questions in it, and I couldn't answer them. Then I saw the thing at the bottom, "If you do not know the answer to any of these questions, then you are a Muggle, meaning that not one drop of magical blood flows in your veins."
Now, that's about the worst thing you can say to a fantasy geek.
And yes. It all stemmed from there. Now I'm here, watching it snow outside, completely contented with my life, staring at my HP poster, and contemplating the fact that my Harry Potter friends from all over the globe are just waking up right now. I'm also saving up for a possible trip this summer, not really possible if it weren't for HP.
What if I hadn't seen that newspaper article? Or, what if I did read it, but didn't pay any attention? What if my young self had said "HP, bah. I don't need another obsession. I'll stick with anime"?
If that had indeed happened, I can think of endless scenarios that could have resulted from it. Each one leading to a different future, each one leading to a different state of mind. Hard to predict. But I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have the same connections I have now, I wouldn't know half the things I know now, I wouldn't be half as happy as I am now, and I would still be desperately clutching on to a past that I have long since let go of.
Or I may be dead, and the last post in this blog would have been a suicide note.
Or maybe this blog wouldn't be here in the first place.
Or maybe, nothing would change. Maybe something else would prompt me to start this blog, somethine else would prompt me to write this, and I would be writing of that something else.
Maybe instead of the friends I have now, I would've made different friends in a different circle of life. That circle may exist isolated from the circle I have now, or who knows. Maybe it would have interlapped, and I would've ended again in the exact same place I am now, but in a different way.
Again, endless possibilities. None of which I really have the desire to explore. I'm quite happy with the life I have now... I would say I'm very happy and content if it weren't for the feeling of impending doom brought upon by this blasted geography test. And the social studies test. And the math test. And the gym test. Siriusly*, who needs to take a written exam in gymnastics? Why is it needed? I don't get the point.
I also have a Japanese test. But meh, I can study for that in between classes.
(*Also brought upon by the Potter community.)
I don't have a list of New Year's resolutions. Mainly because I know I wouldn't be able to fulfill them anyways, but also because the point of having one is to change yourself, thus improving your life. But frankly, I'm really really contented with the life I have now. I think I'll keep it like this for a while.
Or wait, perhaps I should write here a bit more. As you've probably noticed, I've barely updated this thing the past year. I have a whole laundry list of excuses; too busy, schoolwork, afraid to be stalked (ironically enough), couldn't think of anything, never got around to it, acid reflux, etc etc etc
But whatever. It's a brand new year. I'll update more.
Ciao.
4 January 2008
It never goes away
January 4, 2008
Mood: Dark
For a fleeting moment, hopelessness touched me again with its wispy fingers. Not so much hopelessness as darkness, though.
I thought I was done with that. I was wrong.
It never goes away. You can only suppress it, but it never truly leaves you. Darkness stays. No matter how brightly the sun burns, there is always the darkness that lingers in the corners. Once the light flickers, it rises, ready to pounce, ready to ensnare, ready to haunt.
I wish there was someone who knew me so well, they'd notice when that haunted look starts showing up in my eyes again.
I don't know. Nothing particularly bad has happened to me to warrant such... erratic thoughts.
There is something wrong with me. I know there is.
I just want it to stop.
Mood: Dark
For a fleeting moment, hopelessness touched me again with its wispy fingers. Not so much hopelessness as darkness, though.
I thought I was done with that. I was wrong.
It never goes away. You can only suppress it, but it never truly leaves you. Darkness stays. No matter how brightly the sun burns, there is always the darkness that lingers in the corners. Once the light flickers, it rises, ready to pounce, ready to ensnare, ready to haunt.
I wish there was someone who knew me so well, they'd notice when that haunted look starts showing up in my eyes again.
I don't know. Nothing particularly bad has happened to me to warrant such... erratic thoughts.
There is something wrong with me. I know there is.
I just want it to stop.
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