I'm back. Cause I'm bored and I have nothing to do.
Plus, I don't see the object of my affections anywhere... but that could be blamed to the fact that I'm sitting in a corner of the library, and bookshelves are effectively blocking my view.
Anyways....
There's this thing in English class that's been going on for a while. Our teacher picks two lucky winners to present something at the beginning of every lesson. I've been itching for the first task: present your favorite song and say something about it.
Well...
I *REALLY* want that one. Really. I really really do. I'd volunteer for it if I could. But I can't. So all I can do is pray and hope Fate will be nice enough to grant me this one.
If I do get that task... I have a whole list of songs I can present. Of course, it's English class, so my Japanese songs are already out of the question.
1. Lithium - Evanescence
2. Even in Death - Evanescence
3. My Immortal - Evanescence
4. Five Minutes To Midnight - Boys Like Girls
5. Nymphetamine - Cradle of Filth (Not really... this is mainly just to spite the chavs in my class)
And the winner is:
Yep. If the guitar solo near the end is not enough reason to LOVE this song, well...
I love what it's about. I love the message - how people can actually love each other to the point that not even death has the power to end that bond.
This song can in fact be interpreted in so many different ways.
a) Denial
They're in love, the guy dies. The girl refuses to believe that he's gone, and continues pretending that he's still alive.
b) Undying love
They're in love. The guy dies. The girl never stops loving him even though he's gone. Her affection and devotion remains.
Or, his ghost actually visits her.
c) Symbolic
They're in love. The guy goes away/dies/has to go somewhere/ends the relationship. The girl still loves him.
True, this is the least plausible scenario, but it still works.
See? See? Wherever else can you find a song that is so heart-wrenchingly beautiful, so soaked up in angst and just... just...
It's like staring at the Cullens from Twilight. So deathly angelic... so perfect!
Undying love. Yes.
And the guitar solo... Hmmm... So much pain, I feel as though it's shrieking at me. I love it just oh-so much.
28 January 2008
Of Library Musings And Religious Bullshit
January 28, 2008
Mood: somber
It's free period. I'm sitting in the library. I should probably be doing something a bit more productive right now... something a bit more substantial than a blog post. But I don't particularly care. Besides, I've been itching to update this thing for several days now. It's time I finally do so...
This is again, one of those days that I don't feel like doing anything except rot away in my bed.
But not really. This is one of those days that I don't really feel like doing anything. Except die. Just joking. Not really.
No, it's not a bad day. Far from it. Under normal circumstance I should be fine. But lately I've been kind of... philosophical. And as much as that's a good thing, it's also bad. Cause philosophical thoughts depress me.
Maybe taking History and Philosophy next year isn't such a hot idea after all...
Europe is a nice place to live in. But is my life just to be confined to keeping up with the latest fashion trends, studying hard to get good grades to secure a nice spot at a university, traveling to other European countries? Granted, there's surely more to it than that, but it feels like an empty existence.
Asia was also a nice place to live in. But is life really all about business, keeping up with religious bureaucracy (and bullshit)? I'm sure there's more... I just don't see it. I'm blind. Selective blindness. Excellent disease.
My problem is that for a Cancer, I find it relatively hard to commit to anything.
Cause I know that everything ends, eventually.
True, I could just enjoy the journey while I'm at it. But I don't know.
I hope this dreary feeling of gloom ends soon. It's suffocating. I don't like it. It's a very familiar feeling, but this is one feeling of familiarity I'd rather forget.
I had a dream last night. It involved a picture.
A picture of me kissing someone.
Hurray.
You would've been perfect... but not really. I guess it's fine as it is. We wouldn't have been compatible anyways.
I want to sit here and not move. No, I want to disappear and reappear again when I feel like it.
Is there really a God?
Yes. I'm sure there's a God. But his followers are insane.
I saw a documentary last night. Turns out that Herod, twisted and power-hungry as he was, had NEVER ordered the massacre of the innocents. No. It never happened. Or if it did, it wasn't him.
I am finding out more and more truths about this book that is the cornerstone of my belief. And well, if the cornerstone turns out to be built of lies... How am I supposed to keep on believing?
Jesus once mentioned something about how having faith the size of a mustard seed was good enough. Or something along those lines. Well, I believe in God. I do. Because the universe is filled with too much wonder, too many amazing things, too many fantastic creations, that there HAS to be a God. This isn't just the product of some random natural selection... No. Someone created this whole thing. Why? I don't know. No one knows. I don't know if anyone will ever know. Why was this whole shebang created? No one knows either. All we can do is speculate, and live our lives the best way we know.
Sometimes I feel like turning Agnostic. Organized religion is filled with too much bullshit nowadays. Hypocrites right and left... propaganda everywhere. What these righteous, motherfucking religious leaders don't understand is that... well, just because they believe in something doesn't make them superior. Children believe in Santa too, you know.
And God speaks to you. Okay. You believe so, I won't trash your belief. But if it comes to the point that you start saying "God told me that these books are the work of the devil!!" well I've got news for you. It's called Schizophrenia, my dear child. Look it up.
You know that your God is fictional if he hates the same people that you do.
Whatever happened to "love your neighbor"? Nowadays it's all "prosecute the sinners and interpret the Bible the way you see fit. Oh, and prosecute the sinners." We're back to the days of the Pharisees, we're back to crucifying people because their lifestyle doesn't match with our belief system.
I don't like it. Not one bit.
The worst part is that these religious hypocrites do not know how to listen! True, they can "hear" the voice of God, but can they hear their neighbors? NOOOOO. It will be a cold day in hell before these righteous fuckers decide to open their ears and finally pull out that log sticking out of their eyes.
If Jesus were alive today, He'd cry. I'm sure He would.
A wise man once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
It was Mahatma Gandhi, I believe. But I may be wrong. It doesn't matter though. Whoever said that hit the nail right on the head. It's true. So true. So true it should be framed and plastered to the faces of all the Pharisees today.
I think I'd rather be Agnostic than deal with all this bullshit. Ha. Agnostic. My grandparents would love that. So would my aunt. So nice to have come from a family of right-wing, über-conservative religious hippies. Close-minded hippies. At least the real hippies from the 70's were open to everything.
But I don't care. I don't care anymore. Organized religion is only draining the life out of me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm desperately clinging to this shit only because I'm afraid of hell.
But if heaven is full of these organized righteous hippies... then it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
I believe in God. But not in his people. His people are insane.
And you wanna hear God talk? I believe that I hear him speak whenever I'm lying in an open field, staring up at the vast, starry sky. When the wind blows in my face, when I can smell the clean, crisp air, when the grass around me starts moving... yes. I hear Him then.
Too bad you guys are too busy hearing yourself talk to even hear His voice.
Mood: somber
It's free period. I'm sitting in the library. I should probably be doing something a bit more productive right now... something a bit more substantial than a blog post. But I don't particularly care. Besides, I've been itching to update this thing for several days now. It's time I finally do so...
This is again, one of those days that I don't feel like doing anything except rot away in my bed.
But not really. This is one of those days that I don't really feel like doing anything. Except die. Just joking. Not really.
No, it's not a bad day. Far from it. Under normal circumstance I should be fine. But lately I've been kind of... philosophical. And as much as that's a good thing, it's also bad. Cause philosophical thoughts depress me.
Maybe taking History and Philosophy next year isn't such a hot idea after all...
Europe is a nice place to live in. But is my life just to be confined to keeping up with the latest fashion trends, studying hard to get good grades to secure a nice spot at a university, traveling to other European countries? Granted, there's surely more to it than that, but it feels like an empty existence.
Asia was also a nice place to live in. But is life really all about business, keeping up with religious bureaucracy (and bullshit)? I'm sure there's more... I just don't see it. I'm blind. Selective blindness. Excellent disease.
My problem is that for a Cancer, I find it relatively hard to commit to anything.
Cause I know that everything ends, eventually.
True, I could just enjoy the journey while I'm at it. But I don't know.
I hope this dreary feeling of gloom ends soon. It's suffocating. I don't like it. It's a very familiar feeling, but this is one feeling of familiarity I'd rather forget.
I had a dream last night. It involved a picture.
A picture of me kissing someone.
Hurray.
You would've been perfect... but not really. I guess it's fine as it is. We wouldn't have been compatible anyways.
I want to sit here and not move. No, I want to disappear and reappear again when I feel like it.
Is there really a God?
Yes. I'm sure there's a God. But his followers are insane.
I saw a documentary last night. Turns out that Herod, twisted and power-hungry as he was, had NEVER ordered the massacre of the innocents. No. It never happened. Or if it did, it wasn't him.
I am finding out more and more truths about this book that is the cornerstone of my belief. And well, if the cornerstone turns out to be built of lies... How am I supposed to keep on believing?
Jesus once mentioned something about how having faith the size of a mustard seed was good enough. Or something along those lines. Well, I believe in God. I do. Because the universe is filled with too much wonder, too many amazing things, too many fantastic creations, that there HAS to be a God. This isn't just the product of some random natural selection... No. Someone created this whole thing. Why? I don't know. No one knows. I don't know if anyone will ever know. Why was this whole shebang created? No one knows either. All we can do is speculate, and live our lives the best way we know.
Sometimes I feel like turning Agnostic. Organized religion is filled with too much bullshit nowadays. Hypocrites right and left... propaganda everywhere. What these righteous, motherfucking religious leaders don't understand is that... well, just because they believe in something doesn't make them superior. Children believe in Santa too, you know.
And God speaks to you. Okay. You believe so, I won't trash your belief. But if it comes to the point that you start saying "God told me that these books are the work of the devil!!" well I've got news for you. It's called Schizophrenia, my dear child. Look it up.
You know that your God is fictional if he hates the same people that you do.
Whatever happened to "love your neighbor"? Nowadays it's all "prosecute the sinners and interpret the Bible the way you see fit. Oh, and prosecute the sinners." We're back to the days of the Pharisees, we're back to crucifying people because their lifestyle doesn't match with our belief system.
I don't like it. Not one bit.
The worst part is that these religious hypocrites do not know how to listen! True, they can "hear" the voice of God, but can they hear their neighbors? NOOOOO. It will be a cold day in hell before these righteous fuckers decide to open their ears and finally pull out that log sticking out of their eyes.
If Jesus were alive today, He'd cry. I'm sure He would.
A wise man once said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
It was Mahatma Gandhi, I believe. But I may be wrong. It doesn't matter though. Whoever said that hit the nail right on the head. It's true. So true. So true it should be framed and plastered to the faces of all the Pharisees today.
I think I'd rather be Agnostic than deal with all this bullshit. Ha. Agnostic. My grandparents would love that. So would my aunt. So nice to have come from a family of right-wing, über-conservative religious hippies. Close-minded hippies. At least the real hippies from the 70's were open to everything.
But I don't care. I don't care anymore. Organized religion is only draining the life out of me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm desperately clinging to this shit only because I'm afraid of hell.
But if heaven is full of these organized righteous hippies... then it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
I believe in God. But not in his people. His people are insane.
And you wanna hear God talk? I believe that I hear him speak whenever I'm lying in an open field, staring up at the vast, starry sky. When the wind blows in my face, when I can smell the clean, crisp air, when the grass around me starts moving... yes. I hear Him then.
Too bad you guys are too busy hearing yourself talk to even hear His voice.
24 January 2008
Blank Eyes
January 24, 2008
Mood: Restless
So my inner demons have decided to work full time today.
I'm in Spanish class. I shouldn't be here. Today I feel like just wasting away in my bed, listening to angsty music and just letting the world go by. A cigarette would complete that picture, only that I don't smoke.
It took me quite long to get up today. I knew from the moment I woke up that this wasn't gonna be my best day.
But whatever. One must keep up with the tide of life or be swept away.
Change.
I hate change. I fear change. It may be for the better, but akin to a butterfly pushing its way out of the cocoon... the transition is often painful.
Maybe happy endings are happy because the people involved are smart enough to end everything while it's still going good?
Right now... I want it to be night. I want to be lying down in the middle of an empty field, staring up at the night sky. I don't care if it's starry or starless, full moon or no moon... I just want to be there. It always helps me with my thoughts. The feeling of peace and serenity that few other things can offer.
Why do I think too much?
I thought that huge dark shadow covering the 18 year mark was gone. It was clear before. But now it's covered with a thick fog. I can't see more than a few feet from where I am. I only have blind faith and blind devotion to cling to... to get me there. I can't even remember what was there before the fog came.
It's hard to make decisions when you start learning more. Because the more you know, the more the world becomes blurred around the edges. Everything you thought was right is wrong, and everything you thought was wrong is right. Come to think of it, nothing is ever solid right and wrong. Everything depends on how you justify it.
But what is life anyway but a never-ending quest for answers?
Mood: Restless
So my inner demons have decided to work full time today.
I'm in Spanish class. I shouldn't be here. Today I feel like just wasting away in my bed, listening to angsty music and just letting the world go by. A cigarette would complete that picture, only that I don't smoke.
It took me quite long to get up today. I knew from the moment I woke up that this wasn't gonna be my best day.
But whatever. One must keep up with the tide of life or be swept away.
Change.
I hate change. I fear change. It may be for the better, but akin to a butterfly pushing its way out of the cocoon... the transition is often painful.
Maybe happy endings are happy because the people involved are smart enough to end everything while it's still going good?
Right now... I want it to be night. I want to be lying down in the middle of an empty field, staring up at the night sky. I don't care if it's starry or starless, full moon or no moon... I just want to be there. It always helps me with my thoughts. The feeling of peace and serenity that few other things can offer.
Why do I think too much?
I thought that huge dark shadow covering the 18 year mark was gone. It was clear before. But now it's covered with a thick fog. I can't see more than a few feet from where I am. I only have blind faith and blind devotion to cling to... to get me there. I can't even remember what was there before the fog came.
It's hard to make decisions when you start learning more. Because the more you know, the more the world becomes blurred around the edges. Everything you thought was right is wrong, and everything you thought was wrong is right. Come to think of it, nothing is ever solid right and wrong. Everything depends on how you justify it.
But what is life anyway but a never-ending quest for answers?
22 January 2008
I can't believe it!
January 22, 2008
Mood: Shocked
I'm posting again because of this:
Heath Ledger Found Dead
I just... I just can't believe it! He was just 28!
Oh please, let this be a bad dream that I'll wake up from tomorrow... :'(
Mood: Shocked
I'm posting again because of this:
Heath Ledger Found Dead
I just... I just can't believe it! He was just 28!
Oh please, let this be a bad dream that I'll wake up from tomorrow... :'(
20 January 2008
In Sickness and Exams
January 19, 2008
Mood: Irritated
My patience seems to be wearing thin these past few days.
Maybe it's just the stress from midterms finally catching up on me. The late nights spent poring over the books, or maybe it's because of the flu.
I often find myself just sporting a fake smile when people talk to me. I don't like it. Not one little bit.
I need mood stabilizers.
--------------
Okay, so Firefox (or blogger) decided to be a real pain and not let me post this thing. In an amazing case of serendipity though, that very thing has caused me to come up with several more ideas for this post.
Pet peeves.
We all have em.
1. Chain Letters
I bloody hate these. When I open my inbox and see an email from a friend, I expect a REAL message - not something about a dead 4 year old girl who will stuff me down the shower drain if I don't pass on the message to 500 strangers within the next 15 seconds.
Please. Spare me.
2. Friendster/MySpace Display Names
It might be a little hypocritical ranting about this, because my display name on Friendster is not my given name... But everyone I know knows that I use that codename. It was my codename throughout high school, so no one gives me shit about it.
However, it annoys me to no end to scroll through my friends list and see endless versions of "xXxEmOtEaRs4lYfxXx" and "fUcK_oFF". Stop it. Having names with letters that switch back and forth from lower case to uppercase does not make you cool. In fact, it makes it difficult for people to find you. So stop it.
3. Hip-Hop "Gangsters"
Oh yes. Forgive me for not thinking that grunting into a fucking microphone is talent. Forgive me for not "ooh"ing and gushing over that huge fucking diamond dangling from your neck while children die from hunger in Africa. Sorry for not humping you and giving you a fucking lap dance when you call women "hoes". (Ugh, that spelling hurts me)
4. Deliberate Wrong Spelling, Bad Grammar
This is the very thing that often deters me from reading my friends' blogs. Oh dear me. I know, it brings you great pleasure to type lYk tHiS, but believe me, it is far from pleasant to have to read a two page long rant about the injustices in the world when it's written like that. Type like normal people. It's not that hard. See? I'm writing normally and nothing bad's happened to me.
And need help on that grammar? Read some books.
5. Emo Pictures
Oh yes. You know these. People who blatantly state that they are fucking hardcore emo by posting a picture of their slit wrists. Look dude, if you're doing that, you are NOT depressed - you just fucking want attention. Real depressed people actually HIDE their wrists. That's why it's often difficult to help them, because they don't show their pain. They mask it. Posting a picture of your shallowly cut, barely bleeding wrists only makes you look like a whiny douchebag.
And bathroom pictures, WTF?! I always panic when a picture like that appears in my friends' profiles. It only means that they're descending down that slippery slope to emo land. Seriously. No one wants to fucking see your bathroom. Take a picture of yourself in your room, in the park, in your living room, in your classroom - ANYWHERE! But that bathroom? What's the message you want to send across there? "This is where I cry and slit my wrist because of the pain I feel inside! This is also where I shit and take a bath."
PLEASE! Spare us!
-------------
Blogging is good therapy.
That's not even my whole list of pet peeves, but I'm feeling much better now. So yes. I'm done.
Mood: Irritated
My patience seems to be wearing thin these past few days.
Maybe it's just the stress from midterms finally catching up on me. The late nights spent poring over the books, or maybe it's because of the flu.
I often find myself just sporting a fake smile when people talk to me. I don't like it. Not one little bit.
I need mood stabilizers.
--------------
Okay, so Firefox (or blogger) decided to be a real pain and not let me post this thing. In an amazing case of serendipity though, that very thing has caused me to come up with several more ideas for this post.
Pet peeves.
We all have em.
1. Chain Letters
I bloody hate these. When I open my inbox and see an email from a friend, I expect a REAL message - not something about a dead 4 year old girl who will stuff me down the shower drain if I don't pass on the message to 500 strangers within the next 15 seconds.
Please. Spare me.
2. Friendster/MySpace Display Names
It might be a little hypocritical ranting about this, because my display name on Friendster is not my given name... But everyone I know knows that I use that codename. It was my codename throughout high school, so no one gives me shit about it.
However, it annoys me to no end to scroll through my friends list and see endless versions of "xXxEmOtEaRs4lYfxXx" and "fUcK_oFF". Stop it. Having names with letters that switch back and forth from lower case to uppercase does not make you cool. In fact, it makes it difficult for people to find you. So stop it.
3. Hip-Hop "Gangsters"
Oh yes. Forgive me for not thinking that grunting into a fucking microphone is talent. Forgive me for not "ooh"ing and gushing over that huge fucking diamond dangling from your neck while children die from hunger in Africa. Sorry for not humping you and giving you a fucking lap dance when you call women "hoes". (Ugh, that spelling hurts me)
4. Deliberate Wrong Spelling, Bad Grammar
This is the very thing that often deters me from reading my friends' blogs. Oh dear me. I know, it brings you great pleasure to type lYk tHiS, but believe me, it is far from pleasant to have to read a two page long rant about the injustices in the world when it's written like that. Type like normal people. It's not that hard. See? I'm writing normally and nothing bad's happened to me.
And need help on that grammar? Read some books.
5. Emo Pictures
Oh yes. You know these. People who blatantly state that they are fucking hardcore emo by posting a picture of their slit wrists. Look dude, if you're doing that, you are NOT depressed - you just fucking want attention. Real depressed people actually HIDE their wrists. That's why it's often difficult to help them, because they don't show their pain. They mask it. Posting a picture of your shallowly cut, barely bleeding wrists only makes you look like a whiny douchebag.
And bathroom pictures, WTF?! I always panic when a picture like that appears in my friends' profiles. It only means that they're descending down that slippery slope to emo land. Seriously. No one wants to fucking see your bathroom. Take a picture of yourself in your room, in the park, in your living room, in your classroom - ANYWHERE! But that bathroom? What's the message you want to send across there? "This is where I cry and slit my wrist because of the pain I feel inside! This is also where I shit and take a bath."
PLEASE! Spare us!
-------------
Blogging is good therapy.
That's not even my whole list of pet peeves, but I'm feeling much better now. So yes. I'm done.
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