It Rains Both Outside and Inside

I am currently weeping because of a Kate Nash song.

I really love Kate Nash. Her songs are amazing. The words cut through you like a knife. Anyone and everyone can relate to at least one of her songs.

Before I post the lyrics, I just have one question;

Why do I still love you?

The Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

Something Hurts

Watashi
no
kokoro
wa
itai
desu...

All That I'm Living For

Once again, Evanescence puts words so eloquently on things that I'd struggle to even communicate.

Enjoy:



"All That I'm Living For"

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.

I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.

Hear Me Half-Whine

I'm here. At school. Returning after winter break.

We're doing nothing. At the moment. Apparently our teacher is sick. A little heads up would've been appreciated. Because it wasn't hard to get up from bed this morning. Not at all. I mean, it's not like it's snowing heavily at the moment.*

(*That was sarcasm, in case the interwebz didn't carry it well enough. It really is snowing.)

I have a packet of iced coffee next to me. It doesn't even have any effect on me anymore. I've become immune! D:

I am trying desperately not to think. So as not to be depressed. Thin line. My toe is across it. If I keep on pondering my existence my whole body will follow.

I have nothing to be sad about. And yet I do.

Where's my Red Bull?

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway

(^ See how I cleverly dubbed myself intelligent. See that? Yeah.)

The End Of The World

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
'Cause you don't love me anymore...

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love...

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye...

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye...











Oh, in case you haven't noticed... I'm sad again.

See, I've even used the depression tag again...

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
- Susanna (Girl, Interrupted)

More Than One Word

Sometimes, one word is not enough.

Sometimes, no matter how strong that one word is, it still turns out insufficient.

Sometimes you just have to rant. Or at least, in my case, produce a post with enigmatic contents.

I've said it before, I say it again. FUCK!

Winter has come.

The second act of A Thousand Splendid Suns has begun.

The contained rage inside me has awakened. Soon it shall course through my system once again.

I have created a new playlist just for the occasion. It is called "Soothe the Rage".

They say grief has 5 stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Denial is a river in Egypt. Once again, I am currently drowning in it.

The threats still stand. I will destroy you, one way or another.
Then again, the passive side of my personality might come out again.
You should be thankful for that.
More often than not, my rage is directed towards myself instead.

I find that eloquence has left me today. Quite natural, seeing as my Yang* muse has now left.
("Yang" in the context of Yin and Yang. Yin, the dark side, Yang, the light side. My muse of light.)

There will be no quotes today, just an unfinished poem I wrote some time ago.
It doesn't even have a title.

Added to this fucking incident, my blood sugar seems to be extremely low at the moment.

So fuck it all, I'm going to eat.

...

Winter is nearing
Snowflakes shall soon fall
Covering, separating
The flower from The Sun

Cold and obstructing
Cruel layer of white
...
Unbearable absence
...
Occasional glimpses
From when the wind
Lifts the snow and
parts the gray clouds

The flower's core
May very well wilt

Cherish every ray
Cram every memory
Of The Sun's light
Into it's stock and store

Of course it was never
Ever meant to be
The Sun resides in its heaven
And the flower on its earth

But the flower will wait
Perhaps someday, with
the aid of the caring wind
Seeds may travel
The flower may live in a place
Where there is no snow

Someday the oppressing
winter will end
And the flower will then feel
The light of The Sun again

[PS: I know I've ripped the shite out of emos in the past, but fuck it. I find that this song sums up how I feel quite accurately.]

[EDIT Feb 3 2009: Blasted copyright laws! Replaced the video though...]

Im Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

Incomprehensible

This is a poem I wrote back when the darkness took over and I had not yet met the sun.

Reason for posting: My blood-sugar level is quite low at the moment, and I'm currently listening to a very angsty song by Nine Inch Nails.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

Voices come and haunt me again
The cut I made was too deep
Now the blood is starting to seep
Leaving an imprint, a dark red stain

Carmine liquid’s flow i have to restrain
Not let a single drop drop
No one can harvest my crop
What’s going on? Can’t understand my brain

Didn’t want this to go this way
A slip of the fingers
A rupture of cells
Guess some price I have to pay

Wandering blindly for some cure
A balm to soothe
Though the point is moot
Murky precipitate on my arm’s pure

The lights are on, no difference made
Unsteady pulse, unsteady steps
Vacuous, morbid, uninitiated prep
Have I done this time, sealed my own fate?

Slumped into the throne of dreams
Let out an uneasy laugh
Think I’m done, slashed too rough
Oh God, who hears my screams?

~owari~

An Emo Bulletin

September 27, 2007
Mood: **unknown**

I want to do a lot of stuff. I want to search for my favorite things on google, I want to talk to a certain someone...

But I don't want to be hurt anymore.

The ice is melting, and the danger of sudden defrosting is becoming all too real. It scares me.

Had I tears to shed, I would cry. But sadly, I can't.

I must be a masochist. It's the only explanation; the only reason why I keep on walking the same path over and over again even though it ends in the same sad story every single time. I never learn. I hope that one day I will.

And I who thought that things have changed. But I guess you can never ever be quit of the darkness eh? It lingers... hanging over you like a wispy net... No matter how fast you run, it's still there. No matter how long you stay in the sun, it's still there. That, or maybe I'm just a really negative person.

Right now there is a look of utter exasperation on my face. It is coupled with sadness, resignation, and some other thing I can't place. Indifference? Perhaps.

Oh, how I love writing in cryptic messages.

Now it's even worse than before. Before, I only wanted one option. Now I still want that option, but at the same time I fear it. Trapped between two worlds, sweet.

Remind me why I walk this path again?

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't think I can take it.

When will the darkness go away? But then again, where one exists, so must the other. Balance. Right.

I need to stop before I hurt myself again...

Ramblings Of A Neurotic Teen

September 10, 2007
Mood: *flickering between extremes*

*le sigh*

Have you ever had one of those days... not even days; moments... where you just suddenly become devoid of all emotion. Like, zilch. No feelings. None at all. Zip.

There was a point in my life when I was grateful for that... but I'm not so sure now.

Like, how would you react if you're just sitting there... and suddenly, you realize that you have lost all traces of feelings for your beloved. It's weird; scary; insane. You feel like it was just a dream, and waking hour suddenly arrived.

*le sigh*

Breaking away for a moment...

why is it that we often do stupid things in front of people we don't want to do stupid things in front of?

Er, perhaps I should rephrase that.

It's just insane, that when we desperately do not want to screw up in front of someone we like... well, we do screw up.

Law of attraction. Right. I get it.

But still... it's weird. And extremely unfair. And uncomfortable. And awkward.

Sometimes even when you try to reassure yourself over and over again that it's fine... well, it's not.

Sometimes it just makes you want to hide yourself for ten years...

Screw this. It'll be alright... right?

My emotions are back now. And I'm not really sure if I want them back.

Oooohh... maybe I just go into some 'instant numb mode' when I do something stupid... or when I think I do something stupid. Like a self-preservation thing, ya know?

I kinda like this.