I want to stop caring.

I feel like everything will be much easier then.

Because in the end, nothing really matters, right?

Anchors and Melancholy

I apologize for the shite poetry I posted last time :P
I was in class with Kumajanai, see, and just typed the first verses that came to mind.

But anyway, just dropping by to inform the world that I am tired. So incredibly tired. Tired... of things, is the best way I can put it.

"Have something to look forward to everyday," she said. "Something that makes you happy. A reward."

An anchor.

But you don't understand, I thought. I had an anchor... but now it's gone.

Melancholy sees the worst of things,—things as they may be, and not as they are. It looks upon a beautiful face, and sees but a grinning skull.
- Christian Nestell Bovee

I once gave a lady two-and-twenty receipts against melancholy: one was a bright fire; another, to remember all the pleasant things said to her; another, to keep a box of sugar-plums on the chimney-piece and a kettle simmering on the hob. I thought this mere trifling at the moment, but have in after life discovered how true it is that these little pleasures often banish melancholy better than higher and more exalted objects; and that no means ought to be thought too trifling which can oppose it either in ourselves or in others.
- Sydney Smith

I'm Looking For A Distraction

My favorite fanfic is Island, by BlueUtopiah. It's a YYH fanfic.

I strongly recommend that you go read it, even if you're not familiar with the series. Rarely have I ever come across a story so exceptional, so exquisite, so soaked in angst. Everytime I read it, I cry.

Here's a tidbit. Might give some insight as to why I love it so much.

-----

The rest of their meal passed in mildly comfortable silence and when it became obvious that neither of them could stomach any more food, Kurama rose and began to clear the table. Hiei remained in his seat and after a moment, his eyes widened and he placed a hand on his chest.

The heaviness…it’s gone.

Funny, he hadn’t felt that crushing intensity for hours; in fact, for a little while he’d actually forgotten about it.

He glanced up at Kurama, who was busy rinsing dishes in the sink, and his eyes glazed over in wonder. Sure, he could attribute his lightness to his lovely stay with Karasu, or the ass-beating he took from Kirin and Shigure, but once again his money was on the redhead. Pain and pleasure chased his depression away, but never this well; even within his reprieves despair always hung over him, imminent, like a storm at the edge of his consciousness, and no matter how much he tried he could never free himself enough to actually forget.

This…this was new.

Hiei took a deep breath, putting his hand back on the table, and stared at the redhead’s back in confusion and amazement.

Kurama, what have you done to me?

-----

And yes, I read yaoi. What of it?

Quote today is also taken from this fic. One of my favorite quotes of all time.

...and if one looked it was easy to death's shadow lying coldly across the boy's thin shoulders, whispering promises of peace and salvation.
- 'Island', BlueUtopiah

Climbing and Falling

It's amazing how you can spend months, even years, trying to climb out of a deep, dark well.

You bruise your fingertips, you break your nails, you grunt and sweat and heave with all your might...

And you get close. You can almost see the light. You can almost smell the fresh air. You can almost feel the refreshing wind against your sweat-soaked face.

It's amazing how after all the years of effort, it only takes one single second to send you plummeting back down.

It's amazing. It's so amazing it breaks my heart.

Yes, relapse. I've officially plummeted.

We all have our sorrows, and although the exact delineaments, weight and dimensions of grief are different for everyone, the color of grief is common to us all.
- The Thirteenth Tale

The End Of The World

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
'Cause you don't love me anymore...

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love...

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye...

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye...











Oh, in case you haven't noticed... I'm sad again.

See, I've even used the depression tag again...

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
- Susanna (Girl, Interrupted)

Incomprehensible

This is a poem I wrote back when the darkness took over and I had not yet met the sun.

Reason for posting: My blood-sugar level is quite low at the moment, and I'm currently listening to a very angsty song by Nine Inch Nails.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

Voices come and haunt me again
The cut I made was too deep
Now the blood is starting to seep
Leaving an imprint, a dark red stain

Carmine liquid’s flow i have to restrain
Not let a single drop drop
No one can harvest my crop
What’s going on? Can’t understand my brain

Didn’t want this to go this way
A slip of the fingers
A rupture of cells
Guess some price I have to pay

Wandering blindly for some cure
A balm to soothe
Though the point is moot
Murky precipitate on my arm’s pure

The lights are on, no difference made
Unsteady pulse, unsteady steps
Vacuous, morbid, uninitiated prep
Have I done this time, sealed my own fate?

Slumped into the throne of dreams
Let out an uneasy laugh
Think I’m done, slashed too rough
Oh God, who hears my screams?

~owari~

Angel of Mine

I'm drowning.

Blank Eyes

January 24, 2008
Mood: Restless

So my inner demons have decided to work full time today.

I'm in Spanish class. I shouldn't be here. Today I feel like just wasting away in my bed, listening to angsty music and just letting the world go by. A cigarette would complete that picture, only that I don't smoke.

It took me quite long to get up today. I knew from the moment I woke up that this wasn't gonna be my best day.

But whatever. One must keep up with the tide of life or be swept away.

Change.

I hate change. I fear change. It may be for the better, but akin to a butterfly pushing its way out of the cocoon... the transition is often painful.

Maybe happy endings are happy because the people involved are smart enough to end everything while it's still going good?

Right now... I want it to be night. I want to be lying down in the middle of an empty field, staring up at the night sky. I don't care if it's starry or starless, full moon or no moon... I just want to be there. It always helps me with my thoughts. The feeling of peace and serenity that few other things can offer.

Why do I think too much?

I thought that huge dark shadow covering the 18 year mark was gone. It was clear before. But now it's covered with a thick fog. I can't see more than a few feet from where I am. I only have blind faith and blind devotion to cling to... to get me there. I can't even remember what was there before the fog came.

It's hard to make decisions when you start learning more. Because the more you know, the more the world becomes blurred around the edges. Everything you thought was right is wrong, and everything you thought was wrong is right. Come to think of it, nothing is ever solid right and wrong. Everything depends on how you justify it.

But what is life anyway but a never-ending quest for answers?

It never goes away

January 4, 2008
Mood: Dark

For a fleeting moment, hopelessness touched me again with its wispy fingers. Not so much hopelessness as darkness, though.

I thought I was done with that. I was wrong.

It never goes away. You can only suppress it, but it never truly leaves you. Darkness stays. No matter how brightly the sun burns, there is always the darkness that lingers in the corners. Once the light flickers, it rises, ready to pounce, ready to ensnare, ready to haunt.

I wish there was someone who knew me so well, they'd notice when that haunted look starts showing up in my eyes again.

I don't know. Nothing particularly bad has happened to me to warrant such... erratic thoughts.

There is something wrong with me. I know there is.

I just want it to stop.

An Emo Bulletin

September 27, 2007
Mood: **unknown**

I want to do a lot of stuff. I want to search for my favorite things on google, I want to talk to a certain someone...

But I don't want to be hurt anymore.

The ice is melting, and the danger of sudden defrosting is becoming all too real. It scares me.

Had I tears to shed, I would cry. But sadly, I can't.

I must be a masochist. It's the only explanation; the only reason why I keep on walking the same path over and over again even though it ends in the same sad story every single time. I never learn. I hope that one day I will.

And I who thought that things have changed. But I guess you can never ever be quit of the darkness eh? It lingers... hanging over you like a wispy net... No matter how fast you run, it's still there. No matter how long you stay in the sun, it's still there. That, or maybe I'm just a really negative person.

Right now there is a look of utter exasperation on my face. It is coupled with sadness, resignation, and some other thing I can't place. Indifference? Perhaps.

Oh, how I love writing in cryptic messages.

Now it's even worse than before. Before, I only wanted one option. Now I still want that option, but at the same time I fear it. Trapped between two worlds, sweet.

Remind me why I walk this path again?

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't think I can take it.

When will the darkness go away? But then again, where one exists, so must the other. Balance. Right.

I need to stop before I hurt myself again...

Post-Potter Depression

August 14, 2007
Mood: *so sad. :'(*

First off...

I haven't really written anything substantial in this blog. I usually do. But it seems that my muse has gone away for a vacation, and that I have run out of creative juice. So, that's that. I can't even complain creatively about something...

And now, I'm suffering from PPD.

PPD, for the uninitiated, means Post-Potter Depression.

If you still don't know what that means, then you probably a) are clueless, b) don't live on planet Earth, c) only come out of the house once every 50 years, d) are Laura Mallory, or e) all of the above.

PPD, basically, is a newly discovered disease affecting millions of people worldwide. It began spreading like wildfire as early as July 22, 2007, when the fast-readers of the Harry Potter fanbase plowed through their Deathly Hallows book, finished early, and realized that there was nothing left to live for. No more midnight releases, no more theorizing, no more anticipation.

The world officially ended last July 21.

Some people were fortunate enough to have a strong immune system. Said people had an antibody called De Nial. Unfortunately, this antibody is only strong enough to withstand PPD for a limited period of time. The amount of time is also dependent on certain psychological factors, i.e., if the patient refuses to look at anything related to Harry Potter, does not visit HP related sites, or basically tries to forget that such a thing like HP existed, then he/she might be able to hold off PPD for a longer period of time. Such action strengthens the immune system, and brings about a newer and stronger strain of the antibody De Nial.

Unfortunately, De Nial is a double-edged sword. While it helps fight PPD, it also has a so-called 'Rebound Effect'. That is to say, if the patient suddenly touches something, even the smallest of things that is HP related, he/she will have a complete mental breakdown. While people with weaker immune system (those without De Nial) will also suffer from this, they will do so gradually. People with De Nial, on the other hand, will suffer instantaneously. These people are in more danger because PPD will attack so rapidly that they might go into shock.

Symptoms of the mental breakdown;

• sudden withdrawal from society
• sudden urge for isolation (locking oneself in one's room)
• long periods of time spent staring off into space

If you or your loved ones are exhibiting these symptoms, call for help immediately. These are warning signs that PPD is seeping in. Call for help before it's too late; before PPD completely manifests.

Symptoms for PPD;

• Depression (duuhh...)
• Endless crying/sobbing/wailing/bawling; often accompanied with cries of "(insert HP character here)!! Why did you have to die?!"
• HP books being thrown all over the room, only to be carefully picked up again, hugged, then thrown again.
• Insomnia (HP dreams keep on cropping up; reminding patient of what has been)
• Sudden fits of crying when something HP related is seen
• Patient gets desperate desire to read other books to divert attention from Potter being over, only to give up, reread Deathly Hallows, and cry endlessly again
• Patient makes stupid and futile attempts to write blog posts poking fun at PDD to strengthen De Nial, only to fail miserably
  

I...

*cries*

Why did Remus have to die?!