Words of Comfort: Part II

Because the road to recovery is long and filled with ups and downs... pretty much like a rollercoaster ride. Except that here, when people scream, they don't do so because they're thrilled.

(I promise I'll stop being emo soon.)

Apologize

I'm holding on your rope

Got me ten feet off the ground

I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me

Then you go and cut me down, but wait...

You tell me that you're sorry

Didn't think I'd turn around and say that;

It's too late to apologize.

It's too late...

I said it's too late to apologize.

It's too late...

I'd take another chance, take a fall; take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat

But it's nothing new...

I loved you with a fire red; now it's turning blue

And you say "sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you

But I'm afraid -

It's too late to apologize.

It's too late...

I said it's too late to apologize.

It's too late...

It's too late to apologize

It's too late

I said it's too late to apologize

It's too late

I said it's too late to apologize

I said it's too late to apologize

I'm holding on your rope

Got me ten feet off the ground

Words of Comfort: Part I

(aka: Sadly, This Realization Will Never Hit A Certain Someone)

She invited me. She didn't know if she should. She was trying to figure out if I really have changed or... if I’m still the same old S.O.B. I've always been.

But she always gave me a chance.

832 chances.

And I used up every one of them.

832's her limit. Make a note.

- Gregory House (House MD, S06E08 'Ignorance is Bliss')

Self-Diagnosis

Right.

I think I know what my problem is.

I've already established that I have a bad habit of running when things get uncomfortable. Well, basically, *that* is my problem. For a supposedly emotional creature, I don't really allow myself to feel. I let myself be giddy with happiness; float high above clouds and all that shite. But I tend to run at the first sign of anything negative. It's fairly obvious when I watch TV - if the main character has to go through disappointment or embarrassment of any kind, it takes all my strength to keep myself from switching channels or bolting out of the room.

This, from a person who genuinely hates all the cutesy fluffy stuff Disney has to offer.

I run. I run, or I suppress stuff. When life throws me a curve ball, I look away from it and distract myself with other things. Very unhealthy habit. Because ignoring or running away from said things don't really make them go away. If anything, it has the potential of making them stronger. Instead of facing up to them the moment they appear, I turn my back, and so they join together with whichever new shite comes along, and then I have twice as many demons to contend with.

I should allow myself to feel. What am I afraid of? I'm not going to break.

Maybe I'm afraid cause when I let myself feel - I *really* do feel. But I tend to be sadder than most people because I let things pile up. Maybe I should stop doing that and gather up the courage to stand my ground and face whatever's coming.

I mean... Fuck's sake.

But even Timelords run. Why can't I?

Oh, the ones that ran away. I never stopped.

- The Tenth Doctor

Who's Back?

It's back.

Just in time for the holiday I hate the most.

For love is no part of the dream-world. Love belongs to desire, and desire is always cruel.

- SANDMAN #9: "Tales in the Sand"

It Rains Both Outside and Inside

I am currently weeping because of a Kate Nash song.

I really love Kate Nash. Her songs are amazing. The words cut through you like a knife. Anyone and everyone can relate to at least one of her songs.

Before I post the lyrics, I just have one question;

Why do I still love you?

The Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something

Through A Bag

Karate is a wonderful thing. A few hours ago, I was in angsty emo mode. But then I went to train and now I feel better! There's just something about kicking a bag full of sand that fills one with inner calm.

The only downside is, I had this delightfully angsty emo poem half finished in my head. But it's gone now.

So really, there is no point in writing any more.

(Actually, the truth is that my body is full of endorphins at the moment, and so my mind is relishing the wonderful feeling and thus cannot be arsed to compose anything.)

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
- Robert Heinlein

Like Tea, Apparently

How does one blog about breaking someone's heart? Is there really a proper way to do it?

You can't possibly feel comfortable about rejecting someone when you've felt the pain of rejection yourself. But you also can't let yourself be swayed by others' emotions... you can't enter a relationship merely out of sympathy...

Matters of the heart are always messy. How can it not be? You're ripping out your heart and handing it over to another person.

Love is just like a cup of tea;
when properly mixed, it has a wonderful aroma.
If it is too strong, it will be too bitter to drink.
- Jing Si

Faux Fight Club with Updates

I have a shiny medal! First place in a kata competition, baby! w00t!

Then I hung around and watched some black belts punch each other in the face. Fun! T'was like having ringside seats to my own, personal fight club. Well, not really... just ringside seats to an ordinary fight. Mother felt queasy afterwards though... not too surprising, considering she just saw a guy get elbowed in the eye.

But anyways...

Oh, My Poor Heart update:

This country finally pulled one of the many sticks out of its arse and imported RED BULL!! YEAH!!! I've got a 4-pack sitting in the fridge - CHILLING!

Shuttle to Geekdom update:

The enemies have been defeated, and the Shuttle is safely parked in the motherland.

However, the pilot is currently sorting through some matters of the heart, and is thus incapable of traveling any further at present.

So now we wait.

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.
- Marlene Dietrich

Feck Big Brother If He's Watching

Day 5: Still in an insufferable state...

I bloody hate this. I really do. I'm already not feeling well (human virus, aaaaahhhh!!) and this bloody emotion just has to mess with me right now. I woke up at 3 am today. *3* AM. Just when I need sleep to help my system recover. I really hate this. I really do.

No emoticon or words can aptly explain how I feel right now, so I'll just quote my outburst from yesterday.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Interlude

Because what I'm feeling right now cannot be adequately summed up by a single verb encased in asterisks...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

All That I'm Living For

Once again, Evanescence puts words so eloquently on things that I'd struggle to even communicate.

Enjoy:



"All That I'm Living For"

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.

I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.

The End Of The World

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
'Cause you don't love me anymore...

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love...

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye...

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye...











Oh, in case you haven't noticed... I'm sad again.

See, I've even used the depression tag again...

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
- Susanna (Girl, Interrupted)

Life Imitates Art

Let it be known...

I wasn't kidding about the whole "withdrawal symptoms" thing.

T_T

Changes

I can't read angst anymore.

Angsty fics. I can't read them. I can't bear reading them anymore. I can't bear watching über angsty movies anymore either.

I remember a not-so-far-off time when I actually enjoyed angsty stuff. I relished reading angsty stories; the greater the pain it instilled in me, the better. I remember reveling in that painful feeling in me heart. Bonus points if the angsty material made me bawl my eyes out.

But now I don't enjoy them anymore. I can't stand them. Nowadays I find myself searching for fluffy stories, seeking to soak myself in the warm and fuzzy feeling they provide.

Even angsty music. Bah. Back in the not-so-far-off time, I used to listen to my 'Angst Mode' playlist at least once a week. Now it's turned to a once a month affair. I find that the overplayed playlists are now the 'Warm and Fuzzy' one and the 'Upbeat' one... Sometimes 'Sleepy Hollows' and 'Faves', often 'Rock', but not Angst Mode. Not anymore.

Something has definitely changed.

My Elessar, have I really turned into a happy person?

The Sun. I blame The Sun for this.

If you want to be happy, be.
- Leo Tolstoy

Three Haikus

I am incredibly happy. For several reasons.

Well, several reasons stemming from ONE reason.

Rather than go on a really long spiel, I shall express myself with three haikus...

Like a flower
Trapped in a long desert draught
The rains came

The sun has risen
Four days of utter darkness
Has come to an end

The sky is peaceful
For even the heavens know
The night is over

Yes, I am very happy. :)
The smiley does not do it justice.

Of Pride and Prejudice

Aaaand I finished watching the 1995 BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries.

All 6 episodes... I started watching at 4:30 pm and now it's 10:10 pm.

Just allow me to say this...

Colin Firth as Mr Darcy is sooo fucking hot.
Dashing, sexy, charming, etc.

It totally did not help matters much when he started displaying the mannerisms of The Sun I've been gushing on about lately.

A friend of mine is going to pay severely for this. >_<

Jane Bennet: No, seriously, Lizzy. When did you first know you were in love with Mr. Darcy?

Elizabeth Bennet: It came on so slowly I hardly know... but I believe I must date it from the time I first saw his wonderful grounds at Pemberley.

Incomprehensible

This is a poem I wrote back when the darkness took over and I had not yet met the sun.

Reason for posting: My blood-sugar level is quite low at the moment, and I'm currently listening to a very angsty song by Nine Inch Nails.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

Voices come and haunt me again
The cut I made was too deep
Now the blood is starting to seep
Leaving an imprint, a dark red stain

Carmine liquid’s flow i have to restrain
Not let a single drop drop
No one can harvest my crop
What’s going on? Can’t understand my brain

Didn’t want this to go this way
A slip of the fingers
A rupture of cells
Guess some price I have to pay

Wandering blindly for some cure
A balm to soothe
Though the point is moot
Murky precipitate on my arm’s pure

The lights are on, no difference made
Unsteady pulse, unsteady steps
Vacuous, morbid, uninitiated prep
Have I done this time, sealed my own fate?

Slumped into the throne of dreams
Let out an uneasy laugh
Think I’m done, slashed too rough
Oh God, who hears my screams?

~owari~

Library Poem

My sunlight
streaming into my life
Fountain of joy
Bringer of bliss

Your visage
A gift from the gods
Bestowed unto mortals
Directly from above

The Fates are cruel
Yet incredibly kind
To make our paths meet
Makes my life worthwhile

A single glimpse
Gives a natural high
What is it with your presence
That makes me go mad?

You are my muse
You are my light
You are my beacon
In the darkness of my life

More I can say
But more I won't say
For when you are near me
Reason disappears

Heels over head I've fallen
Yet I continue to fall
This could go on forever
But I wouldn't want it to end...

A Poem!

The Effect You Have On Me

I do not like musicals
I dislike having to dance
I despise happy people
Never even gave them a chance

But now I find I HAVE to dance
Sometimes I break out in song
There's glee in me I can't contain
It's just impossible to control

Oh, the effect you have on me...

I have become the thing I hate -
- a giggling, blushing mess
I jump around, I dance around
I sometimes do a jig

My steps have gained that hateful bounce
I practically prance around
I hug random people on the street
The world has turned around

The effect you have on me...

My life is now filled with music
It's the kind I hate too
The upbeat one - the HAPPY one
Unthinkable, yet true

Unicorns now nuzzle me
Rainbows pop out and greet me
I wave at them, I say hello
A dance! - then off I go

The. Effect. You. Have. On. Me.

Lack of Appetite

I cannot eat! D:

Or rather - I cannot eat properly!

My appetite has gone wacko! I'd be terrible hungry one moment, then suddenly lose my appetite after 2-3 bites of food. I can't be running on an empty stomach! It's maddening.

I know why I'm this way. Never thought I'd experience it, but ah well... shows how much I know.

...including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side-effects such as an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.
- Wikipedia (where else?)